Tin Foil Tuesday: Will The Election Finally Kill My Blog? Gasp!

  Well folks, its finally here. After 18 months of utter gutter politics, for better or worse, tomorrow we will elect a new President. Its been the most grueling span of campaigning that has aged me 7 years in the process. No, I’m serious. I’m a cat. According to the human calculators I went from 20 to 27 in just 18 months. The rapid aging of a cat compared to humans should be its own conspiracy. So as we approach the finish line, we look back at all of the election conspiracies that have brought chuckles, horror and countless hours of entertainment for me. Many of these have been covered this year in previous blogs.  1). Trump is a plant to destroy the Republican Party so that Hillary wins the Presidency. (If he’s a plant, I hope he is one that is not poisonous to cats. I hope in fact, he is cat nip).  2). Ted Cruz’s dad Rafael conspired with Oswald to kill JFK (second gunman on the grassy knoll anyone? Or did he just get a grassy knoll stain on his pants. That hill can be slippery).  3). Donald is in bed with the Russians to destroy the Democratic Party and a Hillary President (Can’t be true. Putin is only a 4 on a good day.) 4). Was Scalia murdered? (Naw…..but his murder destroyed democracy and the future of the Supreme Court as Congress will likely never appoint his replacement).  5). Syrian Refugees bill ISIS for their cell phones (is that something I can look into? Have you seen the nonsense data charges these companies charge consumers? We would defeat ISIS solely on bankrupting them with our cell phone bills. Boom! War on Terror solved).  6). Christmas Has Disappeared (Um, have you been to any store lately? Christmas started in October before mommy could even buy Halloween decorations. Christmas is alive and well my friends).  7). Hillary has a healthy body double! (I hope that woman has governing experience then).  8). Obama is gonna cancel the 2016 election (some days I wish it would be true. Its like America became a reality show that I hoped would be non-renewed for next season). 9). Hillary is the reptilian queen that is chosen to lead the world (Will she appoint the Geico Gecko to her Cabinet? Godzilla as Secretary of Defense?). 10). Ted Cruz is actually Robert Kardashian Sr. (for his sake I hope its not true. that’s a... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: The Ted Cruz/Zodiac Killer Conspiracy

  The absurdity of the 2016 Presidential campaign continues. The latest mock conspiracy is that Ted Cruz may be the Zodiac Killer. This theory was lampooned at the Nerd Prom also known as the White Correspondent’s dinner when comedian Larry Wilmore devoted a whole set of jokes to this raging and comical conspiracy.     So how did this nonsensical conspiracy start? You guessed it, the crazy minds of Twitter users. Cruz gave a speech at the 2013 CPAC convention which he had titled, “This is the Zodiac speaking”. The tweet was passed around like a bong packed with medicinal stupidity. And from there it has been growing like a slow festering pimple that finally burst in the last month. If you are on Twitter, simply search for #ZodiacKiller  and be prepared to lose 10 minutes of your life you will never get back. But also be prepared to see some very creative nonsense theories and products (t-shirts) that have been borne. Well let’s look at the feasibility of this theory. The Zodiac Killer traipsed around Northern California in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s and was implicated in the killings of several dozens of people. Well, since Ted Cruz wasn’t born until December of 1970, I can only surmise that he was either a sinister serial killing fetus or he isn’t the real killer. Since many of the killings happened in 1968 and 1969 before he was even a twinkle in his mother’s eye, does that mean there’s the first ever evidence of homicidal sperm to blame for the killings?  And those sperm belonged to Rafael Cruz Sr who we examined 2 weeks ago may (but probably not) have had links to Lee Harvey Oswald who killed Kennedy? Jesus, this is getting trickier than 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. So did Rafael Cruz Sr’s sperm just implicate himself in the killings. Let’s see a photo of the Zodiac “sketch” and then look at Rafael Cruz Sr.  Oh my god, the resemblance is uncanny…..(presently hitting my head against a wall. Mommy is threatening me with a helmet).   I guess since they’ve never actually figured out who the real Zodiac killer actually was; Ted Cruz, homicidal sperm, or a little black and white tuxedo cat is plausible in conspiracy world. – Cheers, Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Rafael Cruz Sr Killed JFK (Gasp!)? (But Probably Not)

  Its been more than 50 years since JFK was assassinated and we are no closer to the truth then we were when it happened. This is officially one of the oldest conspiracy theories on the planet and yet we continue to see new and fresh conspiracies coming out of the woodwork like termites in a log cabin. You see, JFK conspiracy theories are a lot like a cake coming out of an Easy Bake oven; mostly half-baked and very hard to swallow.   In the past 50 years we have seen the following person(s) implicated in Kennedy’s killing:   Lee Harvey Oswald Second Gunmen on the grassy knoll The Mafia The Cubans The Russians The Russians in cahoots with the Cubans LBJ The CIA The Illuminati (how can we leave them out?) Little Green Men (yes ET did it, phone home my ass!) Jackie Kennedy (that will solve any zipper problem)   But I bet you haven’t heard the new one about Rafael Cruz Sr (not Rafael “Teddy boy” Jr who may or may not ever be President) being somehow linked to Kennedy’s death? Yup, me either, until I did today.   You see, Rafael Sr was an anti-Castro activist. And maybe Rafael, given his possible anti-Castro activism was recruited by the CIA into more nefarious activities? If you believe the CIA killed Kennedy, then maybe……..   And further more, where was Rafael (Sr, not Jr who may or may not be in the DC madam’s phone book) prior to the assassination in November 1963? Hmm, possibly in a grainy photo with Lee Harvey Oswald passing out “Hands off Cuba” propaganda pamphlets to people in New Orleans. Oh burn. There was a second gunmen on the grassy knoll after all. Except I’ve looked at the photos and will let you do the same to draw your own conclusion.   My conclusion is that I can’t even pick out which guy in this photo is Lee Harvey Oswald let alone Rafael Cruz Sr with hair in the 1960’s. It could be any Cuban guy. It could even be a mafia guy. It might even be Gilbert Gottfried? Further review with trusted ball-crusher Snopes seems to indicate that there really is not much merit to this conspiracy. So keep trying Kennedy Conspirators. Perhaps next week, you will find evidence that implicates the great-grandfather of Justin Beiber or possibly conclude that OJ was the real killer (finally) of Kennedy. Until then, I will... read more

The Kibble Party: Iowa Predictions

  Well, its finally here peeps. The Iowa Caucus. All those poor Iowans who, for months, have been stalked, hounded and preyed upon by politicians descending upon their state like a plague of locusts. As of tomorrow, you will get your TVs back free from attack ads and nonsense. You did it Iowa. Hooray! And with that, the Kibble Party gives their predictions for tonight’s results.   Wee: It’s gonna be Ted Cruz in a squeaker. He has put together one of the most brilliant ground campaigns ever and that’s what is needed to win in Iowa. As much as I want a Rand Paul upset, I will bite my tongue until it bleeds to avoid commenting on what actually will happen. Sadly, I think mother nature and the pending snow storm keeps the young kids away from Standing with Rand. I think the same holds true for Bernie Sanders. If you can’t get the youth voters to show up, there’s no chance for an upset for either Paul or Sanders. Its gonna be Hillary and Cruz out of the gate early. But we’ve all watched the Kentucky Derby and know what usually happens to the horses that get out to an early lead. And neither are Secretariat that can go coast to coast.  Bean: I think Trump pulls it out by being creative. He is crazy enough to rent a fleet of buses to pick up and take supporters to the Caucus venues. He’s an evil genius and by providing a ride, a free bottle of Trump water and some pass around hors d’oeuvres, he will get people to show up.  Mark my words, he has something up his sleeve that’s never been done before. Bernie has enough youth support who have smart phones and uber apps to get them there and/or they will carpool. This will be an upset which will knock Hillary off balance before the big TKO next week in New Hampshire.  Trump will reign supreme in Iowa.  Little Man: Rand Paul upset alert. He will get the youth vote out in full force. Many voters will have been turned off by Cruz and Rubio’s “voter violation” shame mailings that came out the end of last week. Seriously, I hope mommy gets one of those before the Florida primary, she will allow us to publicly shame that candidate on our site! Millennials unite for Bernie as well. It’s time for the youth to take our country forward by exercising their voting rights. Get out there kids! Do... read more

News of the Wee: Celebrating March Sadness

Heading towards April already. Where does the time go? Really? Between my napping, blogging and running for President, I wake up and my life is half over. What’s going on in the world peeps…   March Madness is in full swing with a few favorites being discarded by the side of the road like an old bag of Mcdonald’s food you ate 3 weeks ago but still in your car. My favorite was the NC State’s upset of number one seed Villanova. Not because of the actual game mind you, but because of sad piccolo girl (see photo) who has gone viral and even landed a gig on Jimmy Fallon. See it pays sometimes to play an obscure instrument and to get caught crying on national television while playing it at the right time. It’s ok piccolo girl, mommy cried when Dayton lost.    In political news, the clown car engine has been officially revved by the announcement of Ted Cruz as the first Republican contestant to get in. Appealing to the most conservative of the base, I just can’t get into his constant theatrics and blatant “look at me” narcissism. He got into the Senate and immediately elevated his profile by being the “NO” guy. No to Obama and No to his own party. If you said the sky was blue, sure as the sun will shine, he would argue that it was purple. He was the architect of the government shutdown that pissed away tax payer money. How then does one evaluate his real leadership potential? It’s too hard to tell how he would be as a leader who suddenly has to make policy versus constantly arguing against it. I do look forward to the debates that start this coming August. I hope he picks another Dr. Seuss book to read during it.  Maybe Cat in the Hat while he sports an Abraham Lincoln tall one.  Going from repeal every last word of Obamacare to I am signing up for Obamacare in 48 hours. Well done.    And finally this week, Angelina Jolie lost her ovaries and fallopian tubes. Children from Africa to Asia rejoice as their odds of being the next adopted member of the Hollywood version of the Duggar family just increased. In all seriousness, she had them removed due to testing positive for the BRCA gene that predisposes her to higher risks of breast and ovarian cancers. She had a previous double mastectomy a... read more

« Previous Entries