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Tin Foil Tuesday: The Santa Conspiracies (HO HO OH NO!)

  As we approach Christmas, just for giggles I googled “Santa conspiracies”  thinking there is no way I’d find anything written about a fictional character. Yup, I was wrong. There truly is a conspiracy for EVERYTHING. And I mean everything! Good golly, fat and jolly what praytell do they have to say about something that doesn’t exist? Well let’s find out, shall we?? 1). Santa is actually Satan. Ummm ok.  Santa is a five letter word and Satan is a five letter word. Santa and Satan share the EXACT same letters, just in different order. So if you’re dyslexic (like me) or a conspiracy nutter (again like me), it would be easy to think they are one and the same. They also both share an affinity for the color red. But one likes it hot. I mean so hot that I’d have to shave myself to look like Mr. Bigglesworth to survive in hell and the other lives in the coldest place on the planet. Or did hell actually freeze over? Hmmmm……maybe they’re right.  2). Santa is really a CIA agent. It makes sense. First he’s stationed in the North Pole where he can spy on Russia free from detection because, get this, HE DOESN’T EXIST!  Second, he sure knows a hell of a lot about people and whether they’re naughty and nice. He’s clearly in cahoots with the NSA’s surveillance program since he is able to find out what you are searching for on the internet. He is also able to spy on you in your home because he sees you when you’re sleeping. Weirdo. Finally, he’s so fat and jolly that he makes the perfect undercover agent. While kids sit on his lap babbling on about how good they’ve been and what presents they want, they also inadvertently spill the beans about what naughty siblings and parents have been up to. He’s the perfect infiltrator who can coax information from crying toddlers. Genius CIA, genius.  3). There is no Santa Claus? File this one under Duh, Captain Obvious. But when nutters start saying that he doesn’t exist, it must mean he totally does. But how can a man survive in the coldest climate in the world without cell phone towers, internet, grocery stores, the ability to grow food, Starbucks and liquor stores? What the hell kind of house would survive brutal cold and non-stop blizzards?   I also don’t buy that on the one day out of... read more

Santa Baby Hurry Up and Bring Me Some Hooch

So much news people. My head is spinning faster than Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist. Speaking of the Exorcist, it’s apparent our house has been ransacked by demons that have dismantled the Christmas tree this year. And by demons, I’m referring to myself, Mr. Bean and Little Man. There’s too many distractions in that tree from the needles, the shiny balls, bows and flashing lights. Well there were no flashing lights until Little Man chewed through one of the wires. Deck the balls with paws of jolly, ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha……….. Wee on the Sony’s pulling of “The Interview” after hackers threatened a 9/11 style attack: Seriously? We are going to pull a movie over hackers that are probably only capable of mounting a 7/11 style attack? North Korea apparently has 1800 Cyber Warriors who have shown to be formidable by hacking a major corporation and distributing lots of dirty details. But do they have the capability to hijack planes and crash them into movie theatres in all cities and all 50 states on Christmas? Please. Memo to Sony, as requested by me over Twitter, please release the movie via on demand and on Christmas. It will take those hackers a few weeks to get to the cable companies. I would like everyone in America to buy and watch it in solidarity against this first amendment terror attack. Even if the movie was terribly reviewed. This is a protest viewing. If that doesn’t happen, I command Americans to watch either Team America: World Police or Red Dawn (the newshitty version starring Thor). BTW – mommy asked what the hell a 7/11 style attack was? I told her its exactly what it sounds like. People rob them everyday. Wee on the US softening relations with Cuba: It’s about damn time. The Cold War is long since over (at least with Cuba) and the Castro brothers either have one foot or both feet (if your Fidel) in the grave. Time to change the narrative folks. If it doesn’t work? Cuba goes back to the bad list with sanctions and embargo continues forever. Cuban people desperately need reforms and opening up economic potential could turn them into the next “faux” communist country like China or Vietnam. I get it Cuban-Americans. Castro destroyed many lives with his brutal regime. But human rights violations do not stop the US from engaging in diplomatic relations with the following countries; China, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Russia, Egypt….I could go on.The Cuban people could benefit from the softening of the embargo... read more

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