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Tin Foil Tuesday: Will The Election Finally Kill My Blog? Gasp!

  Well folks, its finally here. After 18 months of utter gutter politics, for better or worse, tomorrow we will elect a new President. Its been the most grueling span of campaigning that has aged me 7 years in the process. No, I’m serious. I’m a cat. According to the human calculators I went from 20 to 27 in just 18 months. The rapid aging of a cat compared to humans should be its own conspiracy. So as we approach the finish line, we look back at all of the election conspiracies that have brought chuckles, horror and countless hours of entertainment for me. Many of these have been covered this year in previous blogs.  1). Trump is a plant to destroy the Republican Party so that Hillary wins the Presidency. (If he’s a plant, I hope he is one that is not poisonous to cats. I hope in fact, he is cat nip).  2). Ted Cruz’s dad Rafael conspired with Oswald to kill JFK (second gunman on the grassy knoll anyone? Or did he just get a grassy knoll stain on his pants. That hill can be slippery).  3). Donald is in bed with the Russians to destroy the Democratic Party and a Hillary President (Can’t be true. Putin is only a 4 on a good day.) 4). Was Scalia murdered? (Naw…..but his murder destroyed democracy and the future of the Supreme Court as Congress will likely never appoint his replacement).  5). Syrian Refugees bill ISIS for their cell phones (is that something I can look into? Have you seen the nonsense data charges these companies charge consumers? We would defeat ISIS solely on bankrupting them with our cell phone bills. Boom! War on Terror solved).  6). Christmas Has Disappeared (Um, have you been to any store lately? Christmas started in October before mommy could even buy Halloween decorations. Christmas is alive and well my friends).  7). Hillary has a healthy body double! (I hope that woman has governing experience then).  8). Obama is gonna cancel the 2016 election (some days I wish it would be true. Its like America became a reality show that I hoped would be non-renewed for next season). 9). Hillary is the reptilian queen that is chosen to lead the world (Will she appoint the Geico Gecko to her Cabinet? Godzilla as Secretary of Defense?). 10). Ted Cruz is actually Robert Kardashian Sr. (for his sake I hope its not true. that’s a... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Obama is a Vampire (Gasp)!

  Nutter in Chief Alex Jones recently concluded on his show that Obama may be a vampire because he’s an evil man that doesn’t wear a cross around his neck. His pastor guest also concluded that he must be a vampire because flies like to land on him all the time and that if he ever ran into him, he would flash a cross. LMAO!!! So I had to look further into this issue and guess what? Tin Foil hats out there have actually believed Obama to be a vampire for quite some time. So I asked myself, what if all of our politicians are vampires? Well, google you cheeky beast, it turns out that most all of the remaining Presidential candidates may have something to hide too. Like vials of blood in their refrigerators and sleeping in coffins. So let’s take a look at these “vampires”…….   Aww hell no. I pictured Obama more like a Denzel Vampire and not this creepy-faced rosacea with bad teeth get up. Well if he is a vampire, he is out in the sun a lot so wouldn’t he have disintegrated in the rose garden by now? Maybe he’s more like a Vampire from the Twilight series who is kinda pale and has to endure life’s angst like a horny Vampire teenager roaming the halls of the White House sizing up his next meal only to have to resort to eating animals when Michelle is not watching and making sure he eats his vegables. Yeah I’m not buying it either, but let’s have fun  anyway with the Presidential candidates.  Ted Cruz:  Yeah, he’s definitely Grandpa Munster. Impish and likely diabolical. Or perhaps, he could actually be Count Chocula:    The nose is uncanny you cereal-loving shyster! Your delicious sugary cereal is simply unconstitutional.   Hillary Clinton:  Holy crap Hillary. The secret sauce to a successful marriage is not love for Bill, but love for the blood of Bill. Scary stuff people.  Donald Trump:  The Trumpster is obviously out for blood against the Republican Establishment, so bring lots of garlic and holy water to what will probably be a contested convention in Cleveland.   It should be noted, I could not find Vampire Sanders anywhere. The only link was appearing at an event with the indie-band Vampire Weekend. Perhaps he is the political Von Helsing or perhaps metaphorically his policies are going to drain the blood life out of the US taxpayers. Who knows.... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: Let’s Start a Conspiracy!

  An article this week in the Washington Post, gives a play by play breakdown on how a conspiracy is started and then spread across social media. First, someone posts a conspiracy theory or an article on social media introducing the small mass of friends to the nonsense. Next, a few people share the article that agrees with their narrative usually within the first 2 hours. Then for some reason, at the 20 hour mark, there is more sharing. Finally, the conspiracy grows like a journalistic cancer slowly spreading until it reaches a big enough community that is “highly” resistant to correction.  So let’s test this theory out by coming up with a conspiracy theory that has some plausible element to it and then pump it up on steroids. Let’s see if we can create and spread nonsense to the masses and prove this study right. Ok, here we go:  China and Russia are in cahoots with Obama to take over the US and the World! 1). China is intentionally tanking their economy for one reason; to bring down the US economy that’s already built upon a house of cards. Since China has us by the balls with our debt, a bottoming out of their economy will only serve to tank our economy. The Chinese will rebound quickly in their efforts to make the Chinese Yuan the new global currency. The US dollar will be devalued making our hard work and savings an American nightmare.  2). Russia has decided to take the military front by first creating havoc in Crimea. Then by going into Syria to allegedly fight “ISIS” while they prop up Syria and ultimately Iran. We played the fool with Iran by relieving sanctions and allowing them access to $150 billion dollars. ISIS will continue to flourish to a point where the US will stand alone in having to take the war to them in Syria/Iraq. Since the US economy is already so bloated with debt, engaging in another full-scale military engagement will quickly spend us into the oblivion and to the end.  3). Once the US economy collapses, China and Russia will then move to the cyber apocalypse taking out our critical infrastructure (electrical grids and dams). You will not be able to keep up with future conspiracy theories (or spread them) because you will have no internet. And no Facebook or Twitter.  4). Finally after the mayhem subsides, Obama will announce he has to stay... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: Are We Being Governed By Lizards?

A report out of The Wire indicated that over 12 million people in the world believe that we are being governed or entertained in some cases by reptilians. These shapeshifting reptilian humanoids hold high positions in politics and in the entertainment industry. Even your neighbor could be a shapeshifter so make sure you scrutinize them carefully before accepting their next invite to a barbecue.  The long list of potential lizards include; Obama, The Royal Family in Britain, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce (shaking her lizard booty) and the Bush family. Almost all politicians are likely lizards and  the Illuminati only accepts you into their secret organization if you got some green leathery skin underneath that power suit.  My question is; what is their ultimately objective? Jurassic World? V? Widespread gecko revolution? I’ll be honest; I peeked at mommy getting ready this morning to see if there was any hint of green skin. But alas, she advised me she had way too much wine this weekend so hence the green pallor.  Lizard People? A reality or a just another tin foil hat creation? – Cheers, Little Man To read more about the “lizard people” see attached. It even gives you a list of characteristics you should look out for!... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: Prepare for the 2017 Putin/Obama Apocalypse

This week we look at truth in advertising. Many websites, blogs and organizations rely on advertising dollars to keep their ventures going. In some instances, some sites really don’t care who hocks what as long as they’re getting revenue. And many sell their email lists to advertisers. Take for example, Mr. Herman Cain. He of the $9.99 pizza and economic plan has gone all 6.66 on us. Last week, people who subscribe to his site received an email from an advertiser who has Cain’s subscription list offering a $50 apocalypse plan for the pending 2017 end of the US as we know it. So mark your calendars people and get your affairs in order. Shit’s gettin’ real.  According to the advertiser, Obama has been conspiring with church leaders (i.e. Pope Francis and others) to conceal the pending apocalypse where Vladimir Putin is going to drop an Electromagnetic Pulse bomb on the US which will disable all of our electronics. In other words, we will be in a state of panic not being able to check Facebook for new cat videos on our phones and tablets. That and there would be no electricity to speak of which would suck in the winter…. Then the Russians will invade the US and he predicts that 80% of the population will not survive. I suppose the 20% that do survive own cats. Because cats will not stand for Putin’s nonsense. So for a small price of $50, you too can purchase the “survival manual” to make you stealthily avoid being captured by the Ruskies and thereby avoiding “end times”.   First of all, Pope Francis? Really? He may the greatest Pope in the history of Popes. You think he is going to conceal anything? He’s outed more child molesters in the church than Perez Hilton outed gay actors in his blog.  Um, I’m not buying that one.  The bizarre part is that this is coming from a “biblical” scholar who indicates the Bible speaks of the mystery Babylon (aka the US, c’mon people) to include passages that reference WWI and WWII and Neil Armstrong on the moon! I’m not sure what passage that is but if anyone can point me in the right direction that would be great.  Listen, I’m all for advertising and making money, but when someone like Herman Cain who for a whole week and half led all Republican candidates in the 2012 primary season has his name attached to... read more

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