Tin Foil Tuesday: April (The Giraffe) Fools Day!

  If you’re one of the millions of people too scared to turn on the news and/or generally bored as hell and tuning into a live cam of April the giraffe about to give birth, then I’m here to tell you the joke may be on all of us. Twitter and Reddit have gone bonkers the past few weeks with tales of conspiracies surrounding this spectacle. And after a mid-February due date, guess what? The giraffe is still “pregnant”…..or maybe the giraffe was never pregnant at all (Gasp!). So the first conspiracy; the Giraffe is NOT pregnant. HA HA! April Fools. You mean my statement? Or that the giraffe really isn’t pregnant. Let’s see, the gestation period for a giraffe is between 13 and 15 months. 13 months was mid-February (allegedly), so technically she has until the middle of April to pop that little one out. Just in time for tax day and a future write-off.  Why would April fake a pregnancy? Was it publicity for the Animal Adventure Park? Was she trying to trap her “baby daddy” Oliver into not leaving her for that floozy May? I’ll give this until April 15th, then I will be starting my own live cam where you can see what happens first; paint drying or my chubby butt getting up to eat kibble again. Spoiler alert, it’s the latter, so it should probably be how many times I get up to eat more kibble before the first coat of paint dries. Somebody call Guinness stat…. The next conspiracy that people are arguing about is that giraffes lay eggs and although April was once pregnant, she laid a golden egg and it’s elsewhere waiting to be hatched like a baby bird or a velociraptor. I actually had to google that to make sure that wasn’t true and it isn’t. But if she did lay an egg and it gave rise to a velociraptor, I’m blaming that old Santa-looking man at Jurassic Park because unleashing a dinosaur on New York would be worse than Kim Dum Son threatening to launch a nuke in North Korea.  Finally, some say she’s pregnant with some other animal’s baby. She stepped out on Oliver and had a boozy night with a hot Elephant named Babar, thereby extending her gestation period to almost 24 months. Thus we will all be captivated by watching a giraffe’s butt for the next 9 months. Long enough time to have your own kid... read more

Protecting Your Sausage from Bacon

My goodness….look at the time people, it’s almost Christmas. And I haven’t started my shopping as of yet nor decided what I will bestow on mommy this year. Last year I gave her a gecko. It wasn’t really alive, but it was really cute in its Weekend at Bernie’s state. I even gave it a British voice and watched as mommy went from confused to horrified by my actions. Perhaps I will think grander this year. I’m on my A game now. Let’s see what’s going on in the world this week people…… Wee on the Senate Intelligence Committee release of that blasted CIA Torture Report: I’m torn on this one. While I advocate for transparency in government, there are times I really just don’t want to know what we do out there. It’s like being a mob wife. You love the riches, the parties, the glamour, the gaudy jewelry and makeup, endless botox, but you don’t really want to revel in how it comes from Joey Bagadonuts’ cement shoe business. Is torture as a means to an end justifiable? I’m not so sure that torture, even when it’s labeled as “Justifiable” is any more or less better or moral than what our enemies do to us. If it helped protect our national security and yielded valuable information to allow us to shut down terror cells, then maybe you can argue it was a viable strategy. But it does not sound like that the end result was what we thought it would be. And now it doesn’t matter because we have a whole new network of batshit crazy jihadists even more rabid than the last lot. Torture does not appear to be a deterrent to the behavior. If anything, only incites more hatred against the US. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. US intervenes where it doesn’t belong, appears shocked when struck back by those who spent decades in stewing resentment over our intervention. We respond through torturing and retaliation. Opposition in turn morphs into shiny new Transformer. Do I sound like a non-interventionist? Because it sure seems like we’d be a hell of a lot better economically and morally without getting into incessant conflicts and wars. First it was stopping the spread of communism, and then stopping the spread of terrorism. Next we will be stopping the talking apes from revolting and taking over the planet. The first ape that talks is a goner. The first cat that talks will be elected to Congress. I don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about anymore. Mommy said stay on task. In terms... read more