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News of the Wee: Mommy, What’s a Tweaker?

It’s that time people. Time for grandma’s visit where I will get loads of attention while I strut my stuff. I will impress her with my knowledge of Ebola, ISIS and Breaking Bad action figures. So let’s get to it. Wee on Toys R US banning the new Breaking Bad dolls after aFlorida mom got 5,000 petition signatures to have them removed from stores: WTF?? You’re sitting around the boardroom pitching new toy ideas and have the brainfart, “let’s make Walter White dolls for kids to play with so they can make fake meth labs in their rooms”. Who on earth would think this would be a good idea? Imagine having to answer questions such as, mommy, what is meth? Mommy, what are beanies? Mommy, what is redneck crack? Mommy, what’s a tweaker? Mommy, I think I have a cough, can we go get a few packs of Sudafed? Let’s get real; the biggest risk I see with children playing with Breaking Bad dolls is Barbie. You know she’s a meth head waiting to happen ever since she found out Ken also likes GI Joe. Once you get her up on the stuff, she’ll be turning tricks with stuffed animals in no time to get her fix. And that just can’t happen in the toy world. You can’t have Barbie with no hips and no teeth. She just wont sell. Bravo lady in Florida for getting this awful idea off the shelves. But if you really want the doll, psssst…it’s available on Amazon for $44.99 with 2 day shipping for Prime Members. Just saying. There’s only 60 more shopping days until Christmas. Wee on the repetitive nature of the news: They really should just have the ISIS/Ebola network 24/7. Well then again, I guess that would be CNN, but I digress. These are really the only two stories that matter for the upcoming election cycle as well. Fear and fear. I’ll take my fear medium rare with a side of fear. Can you put the fear on the side? I’m trying to watch my anxiety. Vote for me or you will die from Ebola or ISIS. To hell with the manipulated stock market and sluggish job creation. You know the economy and stuff….stuff that really matters. Whew it’s hot in here, someone bring me a fan….. Ebola -If you have possibly been exposed to Ebola, don’t spread Ebola. 21 days in quarantine is not gonna kill you. But it... read more

News of the Wee: Reporting the News Before It Happens

Hello Monday. I’ve missed you, but not really. You actually pretty much suck. Mommy goes back to work and my regular dispensing of kibble and kibble-related items goes back to a schedule. I do not like the schedule. And since Monday is ass backwards, I will be commenting on news that has not yet happened this week, but will. Or probably not….. Wee on where will Ebola be this week? In your house. Wee on where will ISIS be this week? In your backyard Mommy: Wee, c’mon. You promised to predict this week’s news since you were late in discussing last week’s news. Wee: Ok, here are my predictions: Ebola – there will be 3 new cases of Ebola originating in the US this week thanks to people like Mr. Liberia and his indifference as to whether or not he would spread it outside of the hot-zone. You’re not going to be able to contain it from getting into this country. Time to temporarily suspend flights into the US from West Africa. Rick Perry will inevitably blame Obama for failing to secure the border which resulted in the Texas case. And by border, I mean securing Texas from the rest of the contiguous states. The new cases will come out of eastern cities like NY, DC or possibly Atlanta. ISIS – They hid all their stuff before the airstrikes since we pretty much broadcasted on every TV and internet news source what we were going to do. They will officially take Kobane on the border with Turkey. Turkey will finally commit to the coalition. Turkey tastes great with gravy and mashed potatoes. That last fact is an absolute. Haven’t heard anymore about airstrikes, so we should start hearing about “ground troops” soon. NFL – The Browns will win a third game in the last 2 minutes causing an increased spike in heartburn medicine purchases in Cleveland. E/R visits will increase twofold. The leading cause of heart attacks will now no longer be heart disease. Weather: There will be a new tropical depression in the Southern Caribbean either Sat or Sunday. All of those that have written off hurricane season in FL will be flocking in droves to the nearest big box and grocery stores to prepare. The storm after seeming to be an imminent doom and after hundreds of dollars spent in preparations, will be kicked east by a cold front and driven just east of FL. It is... read more

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