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Tin Foil Tuesday: Is the Illuminati Running Our Presidential Election?

  This is not a rhetorical question humans.  It’s clear that after 22 + Presidential candidates that only the Illuminati could be behind this final two. I mean seriously, we had a bazillion different choices and we are left with a choice between the New World Order or the New World Order. Or is this all a bunch of hooey? Probably, but we have stock now in Reynolds Wrap, so we have to promote tin foil every week.  If you follow the Illuminati conspiracy theorists, we already know they believe Hillary Clinton is an establishment candidate, not of the Democratic Party, but of the Illuminati. But what about Donald Trump? How do we explain his rise to popularity and to the Republican presumptive nominee through atrocious sound bites, flip flopping around conservative positions and brash and at times, offensive rhetoric? Because he is allegedly a Senior member of the Illuminati. So why run against his own party against another member? Is there a Civil War brewing between the Illuminati similar to the fractured Avengers?  One theory is that he may be going rogue after a fall out with the Bilderbergs. And now the big I is running scared of their Frankenstein’s monster. Initially using him for their own purposes in the business world, he’s now a pit bull off of his leash hell bent on destroying the old order through his political run. Why else would so many news outlets and Republican party members be so opposed to his nomination? Is it because his master plan is to end globalization which is ruining our existence? The jury is out on this one. But is Donald ultimately the world’s savior packaged in self-tanner and bird’s nest hair? Maybe so.  Another theory is that he is the main choice by the shadowy cabal to usher in Armageddon by unleashing his aggressive personality to piss off the world and into a planet-ending conflict. I don’t really buy that. There’s one thing about Donald; he loves being REALLY REALLY rich. It would be very hard to be REALLY REALLY rich with the world reduced to rubble. Or does he then hold the power and money to rebuild all the major cities? Imagine Trump Towers everywhere? Hmm. As a real estate mogul, this certainly may explain this screwy Louie theory.  Oh stop it Illuminati. I know you’re not real and all this is a bunch of malarkey. But similar to the Simpson’s foreshadowing of... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Obama is a Vampire (Gasp)!

  Nutter in Chief Alex Jones recently concluded on his show that Obama may be a vampire because he’s an evil man that doesn’t wear a cross around his neck. His pastor guest also concluded that he must be a vampire because flies like to land on him all the time and that if he ever ran into him, he would flash a cross. LMAO!!! So I had to look further into this issue and guess what? Tin Foil hats out there have actually believed Obama to be a vampire for quite some time. So I asked myself, what if all of our politicians are vampires? Well, google you cheeky beast, it turns out that most all of the remaining Presidential candidates may have something to hide too. Like vials of blood in their refrigerators and sleeping in coffins. So let’s take a look at these “vampires”…….   Aww hell no. I pictured Obama more like a Denzel Vampire and not this creepy-faced rosacea with bad teeth get up. Well if he is a vampire, he is out in the sun a lot so wouldn’t he have disintegrated in the rose garden by now? Maybe he’s more like a Vampire from the Twilight series who is kinda pale and has to endure life’s angst like a horny Vampire teenager roaming the halls of the White House sizing up his next meal only to have to resort to eating animals when Michelle is not watching and making sure he eats his vegables. Yeah I’m not buying it either, but let’s have fun  anyway with the Presidential candidates.  Ted Cruz:  Yeah, he’s definitely Grandpa Munster. Impish and likely diabolical. Or perhaps, he could actually be Count Chocula:    The nose is uncanny you cereal-loving shyster! Your delicious sugary cereal is simply unconstitutional.   Hillary Clinton:  Holy crap Hillary. The secret sauce to a successful marriage is not love for Bill, but love for the blood of Bill. Scary stuff people.  Donald Trump:  The Trumpster is obviously out for blood against the Republican Establishment, so bring lots of garlic and holy water to what will probably be a contested convention in Cleveland.   It should be noted, I could not find Vampire Sanders anywhere. The only link was appearing at an event with the indie-band Vampire Weekend. Perhaps he is the political Von Helsing or perhaps metaphorically his policies are going to drain the blood life out of the US taxpayers. Who knows.... read more

WeeeNN Election 2016: New Hampshire Primary Predictions

  Tomorrow is the New Hampshire primary and once again the forecast is SNOW. I’m starting to sense a conspiracy theory on the weather. Little Man get on that stat. Following a very interesting debate where the establishment’s anointed golden boy Marco Rubio came off like a malfunctioning robot, it can be anyone’s game tomorrow night. So let’s get to the predictions:  Wee: There will be no surprises. Trump has dominated the polls in NH for months at double digits. Bernie will win handedly as well, but may not see nearly the high margins of victory that polls are presently showing. Nonetheless, New Hampshire will Feel the Bern and Trump will Trump. And it will snow and that little groundhog is a liar. Seriously it was sunny last Tuesday. How did he not see his shadow? Conspiracy! Oh, and Jeborah will drop out of the race afterwards.  Bean: It will be interesting to see if Marco Rubio will be impacted by his dreadful performance on Saturday, thereby allowing a governator to slide into the second or third positions. My money is on John Kasich. The self described “Prince of Lightness” has put all of his eggs into the basket and is skipping around town with it like Little Red Riding Hood. Let’s just hope he avoids the proverbial “Wolf” or he goes back to Ohio on Wednesday. And Bernie wins the Dems. Little Man: Rubio upset. Politicians are human and subject to occasional verbal diarrhea. Bern, Bern, Bern. Bern is the word. If Bernie doesn’t win, then I’m throwing my support to this guy. Who doesn’t like chicken people? Last week’s recap and score on predictions:  Wee: 2-0 (picked Cruz and Clinton correctly) Bean: 0-2 (Picked Trump and Bernie) Little Man: 0-2 (Picked Rand Paul?? WTF? and... read more

WeeeNN 2016: The Presidential Blame Game

Its time for the new WeeeNN game show, The Presidential Blame Game, where the Kibble Party faces off on which President is to blame for our ails in this country. There’s really no right or wrong answer and the end conclusion is that each President has left us a short term legacy that may seem golden or rosy, but whose policies were ultimately fraught with long term consequences. So, let’s begin! MC Mommy: Which President do you feel is most to blame for 9/11?  Little Man: George W. Bush. It happened on his watch, right? That and it was an inside job. Conspiracy!  Bean: Clinton. He had a chance to take out Osama Bin Laden following the 1993 WTC bombing and was asleep at the wheel allowing him to continue his mastermind of 9/11. He was too busy getting his freak on to notice the scary undercurrent of what was going on around him.  Wee: Reagan. In an effort to assist Afghanistan when the Ruskies invaded in 1980, we armed and trained the Mujahideen. All those weapons and military training for their jihad against Russia ultimately backfired on us when they used that training against us.  MC Mommy: I will give a point to Bean and Wee. Little Man, inside job? Really? Kibble for entertainment. Ok next question, whose policies may have been contributors to the world financial meltdown in 2008?  Little Man: George Bush. He’s responsible for everything, right? He spent us into a black hole with the unnecessary invasion of Iraq in 2004. He also allowed a Republican controlled Congress to spend irresponsibly throughout their reign of financial terror in his first semester.  Bean: Once again, it was Bill Clinton’s policies that included deregulation of banks and financial firms that allowed them to become “too big to fail”. On the other hand then, he failed to regulate derivatives that ultimately caused firms like AIG to get to the brink of collapse. That and the whole mortgage derivative shell game played by Wall Street and horrible lending practices by banks handing out mortgages to anyone that applied. I put the blame ultimately on Clinton.  Wee: Reagan. I love him so, but similar to Clinton he was responsible for massive deregulation that resulted in horrible business practices that Clinton continued and made worse. So I will give the nod to Reagan that started this hamster wheel. Regulation has to be a balance. In the absence of regulation, humans succumb... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: The Donald is a Plant (Gasp!)

The Donald has a secret, right? According to several conspiracy theories, the Donald is not in the race to become commander in chief; he is here to bring a wrecking ball to the political system. So far so good Donald! I doubted your presence at first, but an odd phenomenon occurred that has me enjoying your sticking it to politicians. At least for now or until we need your actual plan for the country that doesn’t include fantasy.  Conspiracy #1: Donald is a plant for the Democrats Ok I thought this sounded ridiculous, but several congress members have expressed this given his past years as a liberal. At one point, he was a big supporter of the Clintons. Hillary even went to his wedding in 2005. He used to be pro-choice, in favor of universal health care and even told a reporter that Barack Obama saved the economy and he would “hire” him.  Welp…………..If he is a plant, it’s a genius Democrat plan. He takes a wrecking ball to the other 16 candidates in the Republican field, gains the nomination, only to lose to Hillary in the general election. His numbers against Hillary are not very good. But here is the problem, Hillary’s numbers are only good against Trump, but her favor-ability ratings continue to plummet faster than a cheetah sprinting through the Serengeti. That and rumors of Joe “Gaffe” Biden possibly getting into the race, seem to debunk the theory that the Democratic Party has hired Donald to do their dirty work to make Hillary Madame President.   Conspiracy #2: Donald is a Koch plant sent to destroy the Bush candidacy, thus allowing their puppet Scott Walker to become President and do their bidding after the Donald drops out.  This one has some logic to it. But……I don’t think when Donald got into the race and polling at 2% that he had any idea that he would rocket to the top of the pack while gaining a considerable lead in the polls. As such, we know his ego is the size of California and I don’t think now he would want to do anyone’s bidding but his own. He could actually pull this off if he is able to follow up with substance on policy. Also, can you see this man taking orders from 2 other billionaires? Nope, me either. Donald is a leader, not a follower. He wants to crush the competition, not aid it.  Conspiracy #3... read more

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