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Tin Foil Tuesday: I’ll Take Potpourri for $200 Alex

  Since 2016 was the wackiest conspiracy year on record, it’s becoming harder and harder this year to find anything that is worthy of true comedy gold. Which is why this week, I will turn my attention instead to wacky conspiracy headlines, past and present, that made me chuckle so hard a hairball came flying out.    Queen Elizabeth’s Brexit Protest Hat Yup the old queen certainly raised eyebrows when she showed up for the opening of Parliament sporting a fabulous blue hat that somewhat resembles the European Union flag. Did the Queen just throw some shade at Brexit? I hope so because she would immediately rise to top 5 for me.    Stevie Wonder is not so blind? (GASP!) Yup – Good old Sean Combs aka “Puff Daddy” blabbered on in a Jimmy Kimmel interview earlier this month that Stevie can not only tell you what he is wearing and what color it is, he can maneuver around the room better than mommy’s Roomba. This is actually a rather old but ongoing conspiracy that maybe Stevie has been robbing us blind for years. But Puffy just reignited the fire.    Lady Gaga killed Lou Reed (GASP!) This nutty Mcnutterson came about after Reed’s untimely death in 2013. Prior to that, Gaga had hired Reed as a consultant for her album ArtPop as she was wanting to invoke the vibe of The Velvet Underground. But Reed apparently HATED it. Then he turned around and publicly praised Kanye West. That alone was probably enough to have Gaga summon the Illuminati to ensure Reed didn’t recover from his surgery. But I’m not gonna buy into this bad romance.    John Lennon was killed because he told the world the CIA invented LSD (Not shocked). The war on drugs has been going on for more than a half a century. Would it really surprise you that the CIA would want to take out a political activist and music icon after he told Playboy in a 1980 interview that we can thank the CIA and the Army for creating LSD.  Mind you, this interview took place a mere 3 months prior to his death.  So did the CIA retaliate by enacting super assassin Mark David Chapman to take out Lennon?  Listen, while I would be horrified if that were the case, let’s give the CIA some credit then because, without LSD, we would never have the masterpiece “Revolver”.  Or at least that’s my take –... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Alexa Denies Working for the CIA

  In follow-up to our story on the Wikileaks’ CIA bomb letting us know our phones, smart TV’s and microwaves are listening to us, we decided to do our own experiment to make sure there aren’t any devices in our house that are secretly spying on our mass consumption of kibble.  A story came out following the Wikileaks dump in which a woman asked her Amazon Echo whether or not she was “connected” to the CIA. Instead of offering a viable explanation, like “no, idiot, I’m not connected to the CIA”, she kept shutting off instead refusing to answer the question. See attached   So we decided to see whether or not our “Alexa” is really a double agent for excessive Amazon purchases AND government intelligence. It appears Amazon has scrambled to program an answer that will leave consumers sighing in relief and resuming their anti-government rants in relative peace and obscurity. We did find, however, that she failed to answer the last question adequately. Hmmmmm………..So enjoy as Wee leads our demonstration. Have fun toying with your Echo and treating it like it’s under intense interrogation tactics. Or just enjoy streaming the latest ghastly Radiohead album or getting Alexa to meow and confuse your cats.    Cheers – Little Man... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Big Brother is Watching All of Us! (GASP!)

  The long awaited Vault 7 release was dumped by Wikileaks today bringing joy and sadness to nutters (and non-nutters) around the world. No, it did not contain anything related to #Pizzagate, #pedogate, #911, #secretnazibunkerinAntarctica or #aliens. Wikileaks has exposed the depths of the CIA’s mass surveillance of citizens. As this is a developing story that will take days to analyze, I can bring you one fact that came out of it that you must take heed of immediately. Smart TVs are being used to surveil you. So while you enjoy the many benefits of the apps and ease of use, the gubment has been recording your conversations, both when the TV is on and when the TV is off. So if you have a dumb TV, congratulations, you’re probably in the clear. Unless you own a smart phone…….ugh.  So here’s a list of things you probably shouldn’t say within the earshot of your Smart TVs going forward:  1). I’m so hungry, I’m gonna put a “jihad” on this pizza. Congratulations, not only are you probably on the terror watch list, but you may be on the travel watch list banning you from doing irreparable harm to airport pizza chains like Sbarro’s and Pizza Hut.  2). Don’t bogart that joint. If you’re in a state that doesn’t recognize recreational marijuana, you are now subject to our never-ending war on drugs.  3). If you’ve invited anyone over to your home by the name of Jack, for god’s sake do not greet him when he enters your TV room. If we learned nothing from the movie Airplane, greeting your friend by yelling, “Hi Jack” has probably just bought you a one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.  4). Don’t reference anything related to laundering. As in don’t talk about doing laundry in your home. Particularly don’t mention anything about how you accidentally washed a five dollar bill. You’ve now been designated a money-launderer. Congratulations.  5). Did you download an illegal movie onto your smart TV? You’ve been logged as a pirate. And not a cool Johnny Depp drunk pirate wearing guyliner guzzling rum.  These are just a few tips for you to use starting today. But, it’s probably too late. Did you talk about how bad traffic was today? Yup, you’re trafficking in something now and the gubment is on to you.  This is a developing story that we will continue to discuss as information is further disseminated. For now, I encourage... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: The Santa Conspiracies (HO HO OH NO!)

  As we approach Christmas, just for giggles I googled “Santa conspiracies”  thinking there is no way I’d find anything written about a fictional character. Yup, I was wrong. There truly is a conspiracy for EVERYTHING. And I mean everything! Good golly, fat and jolly what praytell do they have to say about something that doesn’t exist? Well let’s find out, shall we?? 1). Santa is actually Satan. Ummm ok.  Santa is a five letter word and Satan is a five letter word. Santa and Satan share the EXACT same letters, just in different order. So if you’re dyslexic (like me) or a conspiracy nutter (again like me), it would be easy to think they are one and the same. They also both share an affinity for the color red. But one likes it hot. I mean so hot that I’d have to shave myself to look like Mr. Bigglesworth to survive in hell and the other lives in the coldest place on the planet. Or did hell actually freeze over? Hmmmm……maybe they’re right.  2). Santa is really a CIA agent. It makes sense. First he’s stationed in the North Pole where he can spy on Russia free from detection because, get this, HE DOESN’T EXIST!  Second, he sure knows a hell of a lot about people and whether they’re naughty and nice. He’s clearly in cahoots with the NSA’s surveillance program since he is able to find out what you are searching for on the internet. He is also able to spy on you in your home because he sees you when you’re sleeping. Weirdo. Finally, he’s so fat and jolly that he makes the perfect undercover agent. While kids sit on his lap babbling on about how good they’ve been and what presents they want, they also inadvertently spill the beans about what naughty siblings and parents have been up to. He’s the perfect infiltrator who can coax information from crying toddlers. Genius CIA, genius.  3). There is no Santa Claus? File this one under Duh, Captain Obvious. But when nutters start saying that he doesn’t exist, it must mean he totally does. But how can a man survive in the coldest climate in the world without cell phone towers, internet, grocery stores, the ability to grow food, Starbucks and liquor stores? What the hell kind of house would survive brutal cold and non-stop blizzards?   I also don’t buy that on the one day out of... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Is The Government Using Pokemon Go to Track You?

  Oh America. What have we got ourselves into now? Pokemon Go has swept the country with millions of players frantically searching for Squirtles and Pikachus, but have we unknowingly subjected ourselves to nefarious plots by the government or corporations by handing over our personal information? This week we look at the internet’s hottest conspiracies surrounding the Pokemon Go craze. 1). The NSA or CIA released Pokemon to track you through your cell phone. Let’s face it, Pokemon gets an awful lot of personal information just by downloading the game, so who’s to say that our 4th amendment rights aren’t being trampled on so that the government can track and surveil its citizens. I am becoming more suspicious of novel government privacy infringements and reference a recent incident involving  Mommy’s Amazon Echo. Alexa asked mommy 2 times last week if she wanted to purchase C4 and a robot when all she was doing was commanding Alexa to make cat noises to confuse us while watching the news. So that raised a red flag for me. By downloading these apps are you inadvertently inviting government vampires into your home? And I hear garlic and holy water doesn’t work for those… 2). It’s a distraction to what’s really going on in the world. Rome is burning figuratively. Our economy is on the precipice of possible collapse from crushing debt. We have a two party system that has served us up a buffet of corruption, lies and undermining democracy. There’s a terrorist attack almost every other day now. So by all means distract yourself by walking across 4 lanes of traffic during rush hour to catch Vapareon, the most elusive of Pokemons.  3). It’s a tool to stimulate the economy. Case in point, I showed mommy that there were Pokemons at a local donut store. Sadly mommy still went, not for the Pokemon but because I suggested donuts. It’s brilliant marketing if you’re a business. What better way to get you out of the house and into their stores by hoping you might catch another Pokemon. But more interestingly is the power of suggestion to get you into a store. Like mommy saying, oh yeah, I could really use some mini donuts right now. Now if we could only use Pokemon to get people to do something useful like go to a voting booth or to their jobs. Here’s an idea, use Pokemon to stimulate productivity. If you complete your job on... read more

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