Tin Foil Tuesday: Cats Are Really Alien Camcorders

  Hope everyone had a fun 4th of July and that are all of your digits are intact. Every year I think we are under attack from our alien brethren, so I spent most of the day with my tin foil hat firmly on my noggin while I hid under the table. Whew, another year and no sign that we are being called back to the mother ship just yet. Which brings me to this week’s expose on the conspiracy that we, feline masters of the earth, are actually camcorders that broadcast all of the human’s activities to our real master, ET. We don’t need to phone home simply because they know everything you are doing………… A few years ago, “theorists” came up with the conspiracy that cats were sent down from our alien masters to keep an eye on this earth project they created to see how exactly their human pets were gonna screw it up. The cornerstone of the theory was that they we were first discovered as domesticated cats during King Tut’s time and that we were treated like gods. Which is precisely what we are so that makes sense. Cats are predominantly featured in a lot of their art work and statues in pyramids and such.    Other evidence? Scientists are still mystified by our purring so I can tell you this is how we transmit our messages to master ET. You think we are enjoying your non-stop petting when in fact its a covert technique used to let our bosses know that you’ve spent the entire day binge watching Netflix and Bravo shows while grazing non-stop on pork rinds, gummy worms and ice cream. Humans are weird. Then there is our precious faces. When your smooth back our hair and ears, you will see why Scully knew the truth was really out there and in there too. And by in there, we mean in your homes. Case in point…….     And finally, there is the whole aloof nature and wanting to be alone sometimes. We have to have time to communicate and do our jobs. You think we do nothing all day but we work hard for our money. Nine lives? Yup we have those for a reason. We don’t come with warranties so the aliens want us to be durable unlike cell phones. I’ve videoed mommy drop her cell phone at least 20 times since she got it and of those 20 drops,... read more

News of the Wee: Hail to the Feline

I was super elated when I found out a dog was elected to a mayoral position in Minnesota yesterday. Congratulations to Duke, the future mayor of Cormorant, MN. Of the 12 people in the town, 11 voted for the dog over his human opponent, Richard Sherbook who owns the local store. He must not be very well liked in his town to garner only 1 vote, which was his own. The best part of Duke’s win, he gets a annual salary in kibble. How fantastic. Are you listening mommy? I might find a way to ease your monthly kibble expenses. I was curious then dismayed to find out that I would not be the first feline to run for President. Nope, this honor goes to Morris the cat. You remember the orange tabby from the 9 Lives Commercial? Yeah, he ran in both 1988 and 1992. Clearly, he didn’t win, but he came out with such foreign policy gems as the following: When asked on his position on Iran Contra by Eleanor Mondale, the tabby replied through his spokeswoman that; “Any cat would have smelled a rat.” The best part about Morris’ run for presidency, was that in 1988, he finished second behind George H. Bush in name recognition. That’s some funny ass stuff. Poor Dukakis never had a chance. Willie Horton scored higher in name recognition than Dukakis. What other animals have run for office? Here’s a sampling: 1). Boston Curtis, a mule, ran for a Republican precinct seat in Milton, WA in 1938 and won. 2). Pigasus The Immortal. A boar that ran for president in 1968 under the Yippies party. 3). Bosco the Lab/Rotty mix was elected mayor of Sunoi, CA from 1981-1994!!!! Talk about a career politician. 4). Dustin the Turkey, a popular Irish puppet, ran and received thousands of votes in Ireland’s 1997 presidential elections. 5). Stubbs the cat, was elected mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska in 1997. He did not state during his run that he could see Russia from his house. 6). Hank the Cat ran against Tim Kaine and George Allen for Virginia’s Senate seat in 2012 and garnered 7,000 votes finishing in 3rd place. Holy crap! I guess the point I learned today is that when there’s no one respectable running and where voters have to choose between the lesser of two evils, why not pick no evil? Pick a cat. Or a dog. Or an inanimate object like a plant.... read more

Word Association: NBA

Since the NBA playoffs are in full force and in full scandal, mommy decided to play word association using the names of several NBA franchises. I did not choose to play along with her reindeer games today. It’s ok though, she never gets mad, so I will continue to play the push the envelope game. Which I appear to be triumphant yet again. ClippersWee: Silver pointy things that makes dogs bald. CavaliersWee: A group of people who don’t give a shit CelticsWee: Men playing bag pipes with skirts and no underwear PacersWee: Expectant fathers of strange women they knocked up pre-DNA test. MavericksWee: Formerly cool but now bat shit crazy actor from Top Gun RocketsWee: What Mr. Bean leaves behind in the litter box NuggetsWee: What Wee leaves behind in the litter box RaptorsWee: When the big beam comes down and sucks you up in the sky and all the bad people left die from locusts and syphilis. Mommy: That’s the Rapture Wee. And I don’t recall anything about syphilis.Wee: I have a slight lisp, piss off I’m a cat. MagicWee: The amazing feat of my disappearing for hours only to reappear when I hear kibble being poured. And yes I hear you calling me all damn day woman. (blows on talons) Heat Wee: When I used to shake my milkshake in the yard attracting all the Tomcats while making the most annoying screeching sound on the planet. I was the town pump.Mommy: Shakes her headWee Wiggles her bottom and attacks Mr.... read more