search
top

Tin Foil Tuesday: The Billionaires are Building Bunkers (Gasp!)

  Talk about being the last to know. Several publications in the past couple of weeks that may or may not be “fake news”  are reporting that there has been an uptick in very rich billionaires buying land in New Zealand. Why New Zealand you ask? Because it’s thousands of miles away from any war zone, has no bordering countries, and is only inhabited by hobbits….and sheep. And it’s nice, like first world infrastructure nice.  But the “news” rags go on to say that in addition to the ongoing land grab by these billionaires (many from Silicon Valley), they are also allegedly building doomsday “bunkers” with luxurious underground facilities that include generators, food supply, and ping pong tables. The techies allegedly also participate in secret networking events where they discuss topics such as geopolitical upheaval, economic meltdowns, nuclear war, zombie apocalypse, super volcanoes, Super Ebola, and of course, alien invasions. Apparently, aliens think the Lord of the Rings’ movies are the crowning achievement of humans and thus, they will never invade or disturb New Zealand (Middle Earth).  Can’t afford New Zealand or endure the 12 to 18 hours flight from the states? There’s always Hawaii. That’s another area where many tech giants have decided to carve out future kingdoms “just in case”.  Or maybe its because they have so much money they can just buy parts of countries or entire states.   So this begs the question, what do they know that we don’t? Umm, these are the smartest people on the planet and if they’re buying land in the middle of nowhere oceans away from the apocalypse, something tells me that I should be working harder on my dreams of being a farm cat in a Uruguayan bunker, the Switzerland of South America. After all, I’m fluent in bitcoin, the Illuminati, and alien activity. I would be the perfect pet for any wealthy survivalist.  So if you’re listening Peter Thiel, Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Huffman (or any other wealthy billionaire with a bunker) looking for a really obedient and entertaining companion animal while you’re hunkering in the bunker, call me………………………maybe.  Cheers,   Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: What’s That Noise Under The Sea (Spoiler alert…its not cats in heat)

  Uh oh. There’s a strange and suspicious pinging sound under the sea in Arctic Canadian territory that is so concerning that the Canadian military is now involved in investigating this mystery. Apparently its been happening all summer but it’s just coming to public light after a Canadian politician remarked that all the animals are missing. Hmmm. One thing I can say about my animal kingdom is that when there’s a hint of trouble (potential earthquakes, hurricanes, alien aircraft or a new Justin Bieber album) we flee like roaches when a light comes on. I mean we have senses you can only dream about humans, so if they animals have fled, what hell on earth is potentially coming. Well conspiracy theorists have weighed in and here are their musings:  1). UFOs. Ok ET. I realize that we have been conditioned to await your arrival via space, so this potential news that there are thousands of alien aircraft under the sea waiting for their sign to invade us via water. Genius! Except we now know they are not called UFOs, but USOs (Unidentified Submerged Objects). Great…. in addition to my telescope, I now need to buy feline aquatic gear. (mommy has changed her Amazon password again though… drat).  2). It was a Russian nuclear submarine that has gotten stuck. Now this I could believe. A good way to navigate out of the way of American radar is to stealthily navigate the waters of the Arctic Circle above and around Canada. I hope this one is not true. But would be plausible.  3). It’s Ursula the Sea Witch from the Little Mermaid. Like she tried to trick Ariel, she is now trying to trick Donald Trump into giving up his Presidency in exchange for ownership of the entire Arctic Circle to which he would build large Igloo skyscrapers and save the American economy with massive oil drilling and tourism. In exchange, she will replace him as the ruler of the US. I totally made that up. But Disney, if you’re listening, help a kitty out with a sequel already.  4). It’s The Thing. I just saw the original for the first time over the holidays and I will never be in a room with Kurt Russell. So is the pinging noise a sign that an extraterrestrial parasite is set to be unleashed on the world devouring us all? I shudder at the thought.  5). Its the first of the Seven Trumpets... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: September 28, 2015, Yup That’s the Date

Another Tuesday, another looming disaster. This time, courtesy of Mitt Romney and the Mormon Church. Except for that Mitt Romney part, yes scratch that. He has no affiliation with this nor do regular mainstream Mormons…. we think….A group of more fervent Mormons believe that the upcoming Jewish High Holy Days of September is going to bring about a US financial collapse on September 28, 2015 (strangely the same day that asteroid (see last week) is supposed to hit Puerto Rico). Hmmmm…..   Stores out in Utah are finding their supply of food, blankets and other camping “supplies” being sold out like hotcakes after a weed fest. You see, once the financial collapse occurs there will be utter chaos and your chances of getting canned food and water at your local Publix (or Kroger, Meijer, Bruno’s, AP, Wegmans, Sweetbay, etc) are slim to none. And that anorexic slim just left the building with the last case of water and beef jerky.    There is also a marked uptick in freeze-dried foods being purchased. You know the shitty powdered stuff that astronauts have to survive on in space? Yeah, lots of Mormons are stocking up on that stuff too. So now we have two, I repeat, two independent prophecies that say the shiznit will go down on September 28. So that means perhaps the apocalypse will manifest itself during the Packers/Chiefs game on Monday Night Football. Are you ready for some football? Are you ready for some freeze-dried foods? Are you ready for some cheeseheads? Are you ready for your tin foil hat? Check…I’m ready. I just hope they have freeze-dried cheese available for my tailgate just in case – Cheers, Little Man... read more

top