Tin Foil Tuesday: Nicolas Cage is Probably A Vampire and My Career is Probably Over

  Funny conspiracy theories are getting harder and harder to come by. But why? Is it because the environment we live in now is so saturated with fake news and conspiracies peddled as truth that we’ve officially blurred the lines of reality? There is very little left now to roast over an open satire fire every week.  Similar to the Buggles announcing that video would kill the radio star in 1981; alternative reality is threatening to kill the conspiracy star. If aliens start revealing themselves to the masses, I will be officially out of material, out of a job and out of Reese’s Pieces. Oh and probably out of places to hide from the inevitable anal probe that’s coming. I’m a marked cat. Both physically and metaphorically.  So what’s left for us to talk about then? Well, how about an absurd piece we came across in the UK’s scandal rag, The Sun, that “stakes” a claim that Nicolas Cage is actually a vampire still alive from the 1800’s. How else do you explain the fact he has sucked the life and blood out of his once-burgeoning film career? As time passed, he just couldn’t find any good roles he could sink his teeth into. I love vampire jokes. Take a look at the following photo as exhibit A:      The old photo from the mid-1800’s was put up for sale on Ebay for a bargain price of US $1,000,000. Why the high price tag from a seller that listed other Civil War era photos at much more palatable prices? Because this one was absolute proof of Nicolas Cage’s immortality. The photo was subsequently taken down as no one in their right mind would buy that bridge to nowhere. Plus, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the saturated genre of vampire movies and novels, it’s that they don’t show up in mirrors and photos. So ha ha Ebay opportunist. But it totally could be Nic Cage, just sayin’.  So I’m going to float this photo out there from the 1800’s that is basically me. I am an immortal cat that has lived the equivalent of 93 lives. I started out as Civil War-era Vampire Nic Cage’s cat in Tennessee. I was in “grave” danger from being captured by the Confederate army and forced to fight against Abraham Lincoln (The Vampire Hunter), so I fled to Florida in the dark of night. Fangs for nothing……………..Cheers – Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Alexa Denies Working for the CIA

  In follow-up to our story on the Wikileaks’ CIA bomb letting us know our phones, smart TV’s and microwaves are listening to us, we decided to do our own experiment to make sure there aren’t any devices in our house that are secretly spying on our mass consumption of kibble.  A story came out following the Wikileaks dump in which a woman asked her Amazon Echo whether or not she was “connected” to the CIA. Instead of offering a viable explanation, like “no, idiot, I’m not connected to the CIA”, she kept shutting off instead refusing to answer the question. See attached   So we decided to see whether or not our “Alexa” is really a double agent for excessive Amazon purchases AND government intelligence. It appears Amazon has scrambled to program an answer that will leave consumers sighing in relief and resuming their anti-government rants in relative peace and obscurity. We did find, however, that she failed to answer the last question adequately. Hmmmmm………..So enjoy as Wee leads our demonstration. Have fun toying with your Echo and treating it like it’s under intense interrogation tactics. Or just enjoy streaming the latest ghastly Radiohead album or getting Alexa to meow and confuse your cats.    Cheers – Little Man... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Big Brother is Watching All of Us! (GASP!)

  The long awaited Vault 7 release was dumped by Wikileaks today bringing joy and sadness to nutters (and non-nutters) around the world. No, it did not contain anything related to #Pizzagate, #pedogate, #911, #secretnazibunkerinAntarctica or #aliens. Wikileaks has exposed the depths of the CIA’s mass surveillance of citizens. As this is a developing story that will take days to analyze, I can bring you one fact that came out of it that you must take heed of immediately. Smart TVs are being used to surveil you. So while you enjoy the many benefits of the apps and ease of use, the gubment has been recording your conversations, both when the TV is on and when the TV is off. So if you have a dumb TV, congratulations, you’re probably in the clear. Unless you own a smart phone…….ugh.  So here’s a list of things you probably shouldn’t say within the earshot of your Smart TVs going forward:  1). I’m so hungry, I’m gonna put a “jihad” on this pizza. Congratulations, not only are you probably on the terror watch list, but you may be on the travel watch list banning you from doing irreparable harm to airport pizza chains like Sbarro’s and Pizza Hut.  2). Don’t bogart that joint. If you’re in a state that doesn’t recognize recreational marijuana, you are now subject to our never-ending war on drugs.  3). If you’ve invited anyone over to your home by the name of Jack, for god’s sake do not greet him when he enters your TV room. If we learned nothing from the movie Airplane, greeting your friend by yelling, “Hi Jack” has probably just bought you a one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.  4). Don’t reference anything related to laundering. As in don’t talk about doing laundry in your home. Particularly don’t mention anything about how you accidentally washed a five dollar bill. You’ve now been designated a money-launderer. Congratulations.  5). Did you download an illegal movie onto your smart TV? You’ve been logged as a pirate. And not a cool Johnny Depp drunk pirate wearing guyliner guzzling rum.  These are just a few tips for you to use starting today. But, it’s probably too late. Did you talk about how bad traffic was today? Yup, you’re trafficking in something now and the gubment is on to you.  This is a developing story that we will continue to discuss as information is further disseminated. For now, I encourage... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: And the Oscar Goes to……………ME!!!!!

  Today is Tuesday here in Little Man’s world, or as mommy likes to call it, LA LA Land. Yes, THE story this week is the huge bungle at the Oscars that Steve Harveyed it’s way through the Best Picture nomination. First, it was announced LA LA Land was the bestest movie of the year only to find out it wasn’t and that Moonlight was actually the bestest movie. This debacle had all the Hollywood peoples saying WTF? And all of the hooman viewers saying WTF? And all of the feline viewers saying YAWN, did I miss something while I slept? So what happened?  Conspiracies galore flooded Twitter much like water flooded the SS Poseidon and ruined Shelly Winter’s dress (but unlike La La Land, she actually won the Oscar for that role so HA!). Here are the conspiratheories we find most compelling:  1). Jimmy Kimmel did it. After all, this will be the most talked about Oscars for years to come. He will forever be remembered as the host of the goofiest show ever. He will be invited back next year for ratings with masses tuning in to see whether they will screw it up again. Job security. He had motive.  2). Matt Damon did it. His longstanding faux feud with Kimmel is the perfect foil for Damon to exact his revenge. While that would be amazing, it’s not the likely he would sabotage his friend. Especially since he produced the heralded Manchester By The Sea. He didn’t have motive.  3). Leonardo DiCaprio totally did it. While he did finally win Oscar gold for The Revenant, he was overlooked for years. He was also allegedly the last one to have the envelope, so…………… 4). Warren Beatty and Fay Dunaway totally Bonnie and Clyded this one. It’s too perfect of a “heist” for it not to be true. If nothing else, they “stole” the show right out from under Kimmel.  And finally……….. 5). Donald Trump did it. The ultimate revenge for a season of award shows bashing his Presidency. He finally wins the game of karma. Except he wasn’t there and probably didn’t watch any coverage until his 3 am twitter alarm woke him up.  My take? Neither of these films should have won. The best picture of the year was Hacksaw Ridge hands down. Followed closely only by the video of me chasing my tail. Until next year…………. Cheers – Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: NASA Cuts off Feed During Alien Air Show (Boo!)

  Another month, another NASA ISS satellite feed cut during the aliens’ “big reveal”. In the video attached, six “suspected” alien Maseratis are shown barreling down the space autobahn. As soon as they’re spotted, BOOM, the feed gets mysteriously cut and replaced with footage of an empty briefing room. But before we get our panties all in a bunch, a former NASA employee explains that it’s nothing more than “space dandruff” (ice crystals). Yeah right.  My take? Aliens are much more advanced than humans so wouldn’t they have already found a way to effectively get rid of space dandruff?   Let’s look at a movie highlighting this dandruff issue which now makes total sense. If you were one of the few people that saw Ivan Reitman’s 2001 movie Evolution or actually remember seeing it, congratulations. The movie starred relatively big actors from the early 2000’s including David Duchovny, Orlando Jones, Stiffler, and Julianne Moore. The premise is a group of rag tag humans that include scientists and dumber than dumb people that end up destroying the alien monsters with………..wait for it………Head and Shoulders.  Yes. You read that right. Apparently the main ingredient in Head and Shoulders is selenium which would potentially be poisonous to aliens since they are nitrogen-based life.  So if aliens are adverse to Head and Shoulders, it would certainly explain the epidemic of space dandruff flying around. There’s no cure in space.  So if you think you might be an alien AND you have a scratchy flaky scalp, do not, I repeat DO NOT attempt to mitigate your problems with the use of Head and Shoulders. Your life depends upon it. As for me? I’m a carbon-based feline that has secretly ordered 14 cases of Head and Shoulders on mommy’s Amazon account for my future bunker stay. Cue the screaming and yelling in 3-2-1……………. Cheers,  Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: The Billionaires are Building Bunkers (Gasp!)

  Talk about being the last to know. Several publications in the past couple of weeks that may or may not be “fake news”  are reporting that there has been an uptick in very rich billionaires buying land in New Zealand. Why New Zealand you ask? Because it’s thousands of miles away from any war zone, has no bordering countries, and is only inhabited by hobbits….and sheep. And it’s nice, like first world infrastructure nice.  But the “news” rags go on to say that in addition to the ongoing land grab by these billionaires (many from Silicon Valley), they are also allegedly building doomsday “bunkers” with luxurious underground facilities that include generators, food supply, and ping pong tables. The techies allegedly also participate in secret networking events where they discuss topics such as geopolitical upheaval, economic meltdowns, nuclear war, zombie apocalypse, super volcanoes, Super Ebola, and of course, alien invasions. Apparently, aliens think the Lord of the Rings’ movies are the crowning achievement of humans and thus, they will never invade or disturb New Zealand (Middle Earth).  Can’t afford New Zealand or endure the 12 to 18 hours flight from the states? There’s always Hawaii. That’s another area where many tech giants have decided to carve out future kingdoms “just in case”.  Or maybe its because they have so much money they can just buy parts of countries or entire states.   So this begs the question, what do they know that we don’t? Umm, these are the smartest people on the planet and if they’re buying land in the middle of nowhere oceans away from the apocalypse, something tells me that I should be working harder on my dreams of being a farm cat in a Uruguayan bunker, the Switzerland of South America. After all, I’m fluent in bitcoin, the Illuminati, and alien activity. I would be the perfect pet for any wealthy survivalist.  So if you’re listening Peter Thiel, Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Huffman (or any other wealthy billionaire with a bunker) looking for a really obedient and entertaining companion animal while you’re hunkering in the bunker, call me………………………maybe.  Cheers,   Little... read more

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