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Protecting Your Sausage from Bacon

My goodness….look at the time people, it’s almost Christmas. And I haven’t started my shopping as of yet nor decided what I will bestow on mommy this year. Last year I gave her a gecko. It wasn’t really alive, but it was really cute in its Weekend at Bernie’s state. I even gave it a British voice and watched as mommy went from confused to horrified by my actions. Perhaps I will think grander this year. I’m on my A game now.

Let’s see what’s going on in the world this week people……

Wee on the Senate Intelligence Committee release of that blasted CIA Torture Report:

I’m torn on this one. While I advocate for transparency in government, there are times I really just don’t want to know what we do out there. It’s like being a mob wife. You love the riches, the parties, the glamour, the gaudy jewelry and makeup, endless botox, but you don’t really want to revel in how it comes from Joey Bagadonuts’ cement shoe business. Is torture as a means to an end justifiable? I’m not so sure that torture, even when it’s labeled as “Justifiable” is any more or less better or moral than what our enemies do to us. If it helped protect our national security and yielded valuable information to allow us to shut down terror cells, then maybe you can argue it was a viable strategy. But it does not sound like that the end result was what we thought it would be.

And now it doesn’t matter because we have a whole new network of batshit crazy jihadists even more rabid than the last lot. Torture does not appear to be a deterrent to the behavior. If anything, only incites more hatred against the US. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. US intervenes where it doesn’t belong, appears shocked when struck back by those who spent decades in stewing resentment over our intervention. We respond through torturing and retaliation. Opposition in turn morphs into shiny new Transformer. Do I sound like a non-interventionist? Because it sure seems like we’d be a hell of a lot better economically and morally without getting into incessant conflicts and wars. First it was stopping the spread of communism, and then stopping the spread of terrorism. Next we will be stopping the talking apes from revolting and taking over the planet. The first ape that talks is a goner. The first cat that talks will be elected to Congress. I don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about anymore. Mommy said stay on task.

In terms of timing, I understand that the White House attempted to suppress the report for as long as possible given the nature of our ongoing battle to degrade ISIS. So why publish it at all? Why not quash the whole thing? After all, most of these types of reports surface decades after the event when no one really cares anymore. Why is this different? Are we trying to suddenly atone for our past sins? Are we doing this to make a political statement? A game of partisan one-up? Who knows.

I’m just really not sure this was a good idea. Sometimes we should not let Uncle Sam comes off to rest of the world more like Uncle Jerry (Sandusky).

Ok my cat op-ed is done for the week. Now on to more important stories like the following:

Wee on Man Eaten Alive by anaconda not Actually being eaten alive:

Discovery Channel, you got played, you got served. This guy had no intention of being swallowed by a snake on this show and then later popping out of the snake’s belly like the Kool-Aid man crashing through a brick wall. I hope you didn’t pay him Knievel or Wallenda money. Hi-Larious People.

Wee on Sony Films being hacked (and presumably by North Korea).

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. If it turns out North Korea hacked Sony Films in an attempt to degrade the company prior to the release of the controversial comedy “The Interview” which features Kim Dum Son perhaps being assassinated by the Pineapple Express dudes, then it’s really going to backfire. The movie, which didn’t stand out to me as a “must see” on Christmas has suddenly become the movie most likely mommy will smuggle me into on Christmas. Somewhere Seth Rogen and James Franco have hit pay dirt in terms of free publicity. But will it be as good as Team America’s lampoon on Kim Jong Il? Wee will advise. Until then, I remain so ronery.

Here are my favorite headlines this week:

Santa And Guns Come Together For Photo Event At Georgia Firing Range

True story people. A gun range in Georgia is offering free photos with Santa this weekend. The ad actually shows the old fat guy with an AK47 and a camouflage stocking full of ammo. You can chose to hold an AK-47, AR-15 or FN-SCAR-17 while posing with Santa. I look forward to his cameo in the upcoming Expendables 4. Really people????? WTF? Remember kids, if you’re naughty this year, Santa’s packing a lot of heat. He doesn’t “f*** around anymore.

Now It’s Safe To Cook Bacon While You’re Naked

Because before it was unsafe to put your sausage anywhere near the bacon? A company called J&D foods has developed a groin protector enclosed with vinyl to protect your manhood when you decide to cook bacon on naked Saturday. Really people, I cannot make this shit up.

And finally, this week out of Florida……………

Two Bradenton twin sisters got into a fist fight over a boyfriend and the other’s ahem…..vibrator.

The owner of both, was upset that the other twin was moving in on her boyfriend. She drew the line when she was paranoid that the sister was also going to steal that other thing we mentioned, so she clocked in the face and an all-out brawl ensued which eventually involved the po po. Right on Florida….Right on!

Enjoy your weekend Peep! Wee —OUT

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