Tin Foil Tuesday: April (The Giraffe) Fools Day!


If you’re one of the millions of people too scared to turn on the news and/or generally bored as hell and tuning into a live cam of April the giraffe about to give birth, then I’m here to tell you the joke may be on all of us. Twitter and Reddit have gone bonkers the past few weeks with tales of conspiracies surrounding this spectacle. And after a mid-February due date, guess what? The giraffe is still “pregnant”…..or maybe the giraffe was never pregnant at all (Gasp!).

So the first conspiracy; the Giraffe is NOT pregnant. HA HA! April Fools. You mean my statement? Or that the giraffe really isn’t pregnant. Let’s see, the gestation period for a giraffe is between 13 and 15 months. 13 months was mid-February (allegedly), so technically she has until the middle of April to pop that little one out. Just in time for tax day and a future write-off. 

Why would April fake a pregnancy? Was it publicity for the Animal Adventure Park? Was she trying to trap her “baby daddy” Oliver into not leaving her for that floozy May? I’ll give this until April 15th, then I will be starting my own live cam where you can see what happens first; paint drying or my chubby butt getting up to eat kibble again. Spoiler alert, it’s the latter, so it should probably be how many times I get up to eat more kibble before the first coat of paint dries. Somebody call Guinness stat….

The next conspiracy that people are arguing about is that giraffes lay eggs and although April was once pregnant, she laid a golden egg and it’s elsewhere waiting to be hatched like a baby bird or a velociraptor. I actually had to google that to make sure that wasn’t true and it isn’t. But if she did lay an egg and it gave rise to a velociraptor, I’m blaming that old Santa-looking man at Jurassic Park because unleashing a dinosaur on New York would be worse than Kim Dum Son threatening to launch a nuke in North Korea. 

Finally, some say she’s pregnant with some other animal’s baby. She stepped out on Oliver and had a boozy night with a hot Elephant named Babar, thereby extending her gestation period to almost 24 months. Thus we will all be captivated by watching a giraffe’s butt for the next 9 months. Long enough time to have your own kid or for a cat to have 4 or 5 litters of kittens. But is watching that any worse than watching the Kardashians? I didn’t think so. 

So whatever is going on up there in New York, the staff vet says her appetite is down and she may be ready to give the people what they want after all and soon. So April, end this debate before humans drive themselves to further conspiracies like you’re colluding with the Russians, or you’re actually giving birth to ET (which would be awesome), or you’re actually a boy giraffe who just ate way too much and mopes around after listening to emo. – Cheers, Little Man 





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