Tin Foil Tuesday: Bill and Ted Were Probably Real Time Travelers (EXCELLENT!)

  I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands this past week thanks to an illness of unknown origin which made me feverish and hallucinating that aliens were in the living room eating mommy’s Cheetos. I’m on the up and up, but I am still convinced the aliens were real. And the Cheetos have technically been missing since 4/20, so apparently the aliens were here for a “pre-Earth Day” party 2 days early. Makes perfect sense. But thanks to everyone that sent me well wishes. I’m still here. Yay! In a follow-up to our recent post on the time traveler spotted in 1995 at a Mike Tyson fight sporting a not yet developed cell phone camera, I scoured the internet and found many more photos that give credence to the theory that we are actually probably living in the past. See the following exhibits:  1). Alright, Alright, Alright…… Does this guy on the left look dazed and confused to you? Umm, yeah. It’s because he was visited by his former nekkid bongo playin’ now turned serious actor doppelganger from the future. I suspect the old Matthew gave inspiration to new Matthew on how to pull off the many shitty mustache styles that have been sported in his movie roles.  2). Hipsters invade the past to stop Anheuser-Busch from making lousy beer following Prohibition.   So maybe he is a Marvel Avenger that is going to stop the Great Depression, Hitler AND watered down beer. Yay Captain Hipster. Whatever his reason, this is just creepy.  3. Steam Punk is alive and well in the early 1900’s.  Did the Sex Pistols have a time traveler that went to the industrial revolution for inspiration? Like the old CBGB wasn’t dirty enough, he had to travel to when there was actual dirt everywhere. Sporting a mohawk in an early 1900’s photo really is punk.  4. Gold Rush Dude Nothing sticks out like a sore thumb like a surfer dude meeting up with his new 1850’s friends to pan for gold. Like no way dude, I can go back in time, get me some gold, come back, and never work again? Surf’s up…. 5.  Can you be a little more discreet? Jeeesh!!!! Nothing says “time-traveler” like a fun-loving girl from the 50’s clearly lacking self-awareness transported back to the Great Depression where train-riding hobos were as common as a cold. Sorry sweetie, that’s just being entitled and obnoxious. See #2 – Hipster……you should hook up.  So if... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: April (The Giraffe) Fools Day!

  If you’re one of the millions of people too scared to turn on the news and/or generally bored as hell and tuning into a live cam of April the giraffe about to give birth, then I’m here to tell you the joke may be on all of us. Twitter and Reddit have gone bonkers the past few weeks with tales of conspiracies surrounding this spectacle. And after a mid-February due date, guess what? The giraffe is still “pregnant”…..or maybe the giraffe was never pregnant at all (Gasp!). So the first conspiracy; the Giraffe is NOT pregnant. HA HA! April Fools. You mean my statement? Or that the giraffe really isn’t pregnant. Let’s see, the gestation period for a giraffe is between 13 and 15 months. 13 months was mid-February (allegedly), so technically she has until the middle of April to pop that little one out. Just in time for tax day and a future write-off.  Why would April fake a pregnancy? Was it publicity for the Animal Adventure Park? Was she trying to trap her “baby daddy” Oliver into not leaving her for that floozy May? I’ll give this until April 15th, then I will be starting my own live cam where you can see what happens first; paint drying or my chubby butt getting up to eat kibble again. Spoiler alert, it’s the latter, so it should probably be how many times I get up to eat more kibble before the first coat of paint dries. Somebody call Guinness stat…. The next conspiracy that people are arguing about is that giraffes lay eggs and although April was once pregnant, she laid a golden egg and it’s elsewhere waiting to be hatched like a baby bird or a velociraptor. I actually had to google that to make sure that wasn’t true and it isn’t. But if she did lay an egg and it gave rise to a velociraptor, I’m blaming that old Santa-looking man at Jurassic Park because unleashing a dinosaur on New York would be worse than Kim Dum Son threatening to launch a nuke in North Korea.  Finally, some say she’s pregnant with some other animal’s baby. She stepped out on Oliver and had a boozy night with a hot Elephant named Babar, thereby extending her gestation period to almost 24 months. Thus we will all be captivated by watching a giraffe’s butt for the next 9 months. Long enough time to have your own kid... read more