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Tin Foil Tuesday: Nicolas Cage is Probably A Vampire and My Career is Probably Over

  Funny conspiracy theories are getting harder and harder to come by. But why? Is it because the environment we live in now is so saturated with fake news and conspiracies peddled as truth that we’ve officially blurred the lines of reality? There is very little left now to roast over an open satire fire every week.  Similar to the Buggles announcing that video would kill the radio star in 1981; alternative reality is threatening to kill the conspiracy star. If aliens start revealing themselves to the masses, I will be officially out of material, out of a job and out of Reese’s Pieces. Oh and probably out of places to hide from the inevitable anal probe that’s coming. I’m a marked cat. Both physically and metaphorically.  So what’s left for us to talk about then? Well, how about an absurd piece we came across in the UK’s scandal rag, The Sun, that “stakes” a claim that Nicolas Cage is actually a vampire still alive from the 1800’s. How else do you explain the fact he has sucked the life and blood out of his once-burgeoning film career? As time passed, he just couldn’t find any good roles he could sink his teeth into. I love vampire jokes. Take a look at the following photo as exhibit A:      The old photo from the mid-1800’s was put up for sale on Ebay for a bargain price of US $1,000,000. Why the high price tag from a seller that listed other Civil War era photos at much more palatable prices? Because this one was absolute proof of Nicolas Cage’s immortality. The photo was subsequently taken down as no one in their right mind would buy that bridge to nowhere. Plus, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the saturated genre of vampire movies and novels, it’s that they don’t show up in mirrors and photos. So ha ha Ebay opportunist. But it totally could be Nic Cage, just sayin’.  So I’m going to float this photo out there from the 1800’s that is basically me. I am an immortal cat that has lived the equivalent of 93 lives. I started out as Civil War-era Vampire Nic Cage’s cat in Tennessee. I was in “grave” danger from being captured by the Confederate army and forced to fight against Abraham Lincoln (The Vampire Hunter), so I fled to Florida in the dark of night. Fangs for nothing……………..Cheers – Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Alexa Denies Working for the CIA

  In follow-up to our story on the Wikileaks’ CIA bomb letting us know our phones, smart TV’s and microwaves are listening to us, we decided to do our own experiment to make sure there aren’t any devices in our house that are secretly spying on our mass consumption of kibble.  A story came out following the Wikileaks dump in which a woman asked her Amazon Echo whether or not she was “connected” to the CIA. Instead of offering a viable explanation, like “no, idiot, I’m not connected to the CIA”, she kept shutting off instead refusing to answer the question. See attached   So we decided to see whether or not our “Alexa” is really a double agent for excessive Amazon purchases AND government intelligence. It appears Amazon has scrambled to program an answer that will leave consumers sighing in relief and resuming their anti-government rants in relative peace and obscurity. We did find, however, that she failed to answer the last question adequately. Hmmmmm………..So enjoy as Wee leads our demonstration. Have fun toying with your Echo and treating it like it’s under intense interrogation tactics. Or just enjoy streaming the latest ghastly Radiohead album or getting Alexa to meow and confuse your cats.    Cheers – Little Man... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Big Brother is Watching All of Us! (GASP!)

  The long awaited Vault 7 release was dumped by Wikileaks today bringing joy and sadness to nutters (and non-nutters) around the world. No, it did not contain anything related to #Pizzagate, #pedogate, #911, #secretnazibunkerinAntarctica or #aliens. Wikileaks has exposed the depths of the CIA’s mass surveillance of citizens. As this is a developing story that will take days to analyze, I can bring you one fact that came out of it that you must take heed of immediately. Smart TVs are being used to surveil you. So while you enjoy the many benefits of the apps and ease of use, the gubment has been recording your conversations, both when the TV is on and when the TV is off. So if you have a dumb TV, congratulations, you’re probably in the clear. Unless you own a smart phone…….ugh.  So here’s a list of things you probably shouldn’t say within the earshot of your Smart TVs going forward:  1). I’m so hungry, I’m gonna put a “jihad” on this pizza. Congratulations, not only are you probably on the terror watch list, but you may be on the travel watch list banning you from doing irreparable harm to airport pizza chains like Sbarro’s and Pizza Hut.  2). Don’t bogart that joint. If you’re in a state that doesn’t recognize recreational marijuana, you are now subject to our never-ending war on drugs.  3). If you’ve invited anyone over to your home by the name of Jack, for god’s sake do not greet him when he enters your TV room. If we learned nothing from the movie Airplane, greeting your friend by yelling, “Hi Jack” has probably just bought you a one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.  4). Don’t reference anything related to laundering. As in don’t talk about doing laundry in your home. Particularly don’t mention anything about how you accidentally washed a five dollar bill. You’ve now been designated a money-launderer. Congratulations.  5). Did you download an illegal movie onto your smart TV? You’ve been logged as a pirate. And not a cool Johnny Depp drunk pirate wearing guyliner guzzling rum.  These are just a few tips for you to use starting today. But, it’s probably too late. Did you talk about how bad traffic was today? Yup, you’re trafficking in something now and the gubment is on to you.  This is a developing story that we will continue to discuss as information is further disseminated. For now, I encourage... read more

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