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Tin Foil Tuesday: The Santa Conspiracies (HO HO OH NO!)

  As we approach Christmas, just for giggles I googled “Santa conspiracies”  thinking there is no way I’d find anything written about a fictional character. Yup, I was wrong. There truly is a conspiracy for EVERYTHING. And I mean everything! Good golly, fat and jolly what praytell do they have to say about something that doesn’t exist? Well let’s find out, shall we?? 1). Santa is actually Satan. Ummm ok.  Santa is a five letter word and Satan is a five letter word. Santa and Satan share the EXACT same letters, just in different order. So if you’re dyslexic (like me) or a conspiracy nutter (again like me), it would be easy to think they are one and the same. They also both share an affinity for the color red. But one likes it hot. I mean so hot that I’d have to shave myself to look like Mr. Bigglesworth to survive in hell and the other lives in the coldest place on the planet. Or did hell actually freeze over? Hmmmm……maybe they’re right.  2). Santa is really a CIA agent. It makes sense. First he’s stationed in the North Pole where he can spy on Russia free from detection because, get this, HE DOESN’T EXIST!  Second, he sure knows a hell of a lot about people and whether they’re naughty and nice. He’s clearly in cahoots with the NSA’s surveillance program since he is able to find out what you are searching for on the internet. He is also able to spy on you in your home because he sees you when you’re sleeping. Weirdo. Finally, he’s so fat and jolly that he makes the perfect undercover agent. While kids sit on his lap babbling on about how good they’ve been and what presents they want, they also inadvertently spill the beans about what naughty siblings and parents have been up to. He’s the perfect infiltrator who can coax information from crying toddlers. Genius CIA, genius.  3). There is no Santa Claus? File this one under Duh, Captain Obvious. But when nutters start saying that he doesn’t exist, it must mean he totally does. But how can a man survive in the coldest climate in the world without cell phone towers, internet, grocery stores, the ability to grow food, Starbucks and liquor stores? What the hell kind of house would survive brutal cold and non-stop blizzards?   I also don’t buy that on the one day out of... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: A Cat’s Guide to Contacting Aliens

  This week I was going to address “Pizza-Gate”, but it was too depressing to learn we are now confusing fake conspiracy theories with actual news. So I will start this week with a disclaimer**** This is a FAKE NEWS SITE (GASP!). While we provide occasional editorial opinions, Tin Foil Tuesday is pure fiction and SATIRE. So if you spread this as real news, the possibility of some crazed gunman showing up at my door could send me straight to the litter box in fear. So now that my disclaimer is finished, let’s go back to having FUN with conspiracies. I spent the past week researching various ways humans have made contact with aliens in movies hoping that I could be the first cat to make contact. But……as you can imagine, it didn’t work out so well.  Day 1: Close Encounters of the Quack Kind After watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind for the first time, I decided to go out in the yard to mimic the music the humans used to communicate with aliens. You know the song right? (If not, it’s posted below). I didn’t have a church organ or a tuba which would have been ideal, so I trotted out an old kazoo. I spent the next hour repeatedly kazooing the song with not a peep from above. While I failed to summon the Mothership, I did attract every duck east of the Mississippi River. Holy crap, mommy is mad. Duck and goose poop everywhere. Verdict: Fail     Day 2: ET – The Extra-Tuxedo Cat After hiding in the closet in a pile of clothes to throw mommy off my trail, I snuck out of the house and rode in the basket of a neighbor’s bike to the woods where I opened a bag of Reese’s Pieces and repeatedly screamed “phone home”. No aliens came to pick me up, but cops showed up after calls of a cat in heat screeching and waking up the neighborhood. In space no one can hear you scream but in a neighborhood apparently everyone can. Verdict: Fail Day 3: The Cat Who Fell to Earth After sorta watching this bizarre cult classic starring the dead-too-soon David Bowie, I went outside and blared Major Tom in the hopes I could bring back Bowie and save 2016. It was twenty minutes before Mommy came out and said I was not playing Bowie’s Major Tom but rather 80’s one-hit wonder Peter... read more

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