Tin Foil Tuesday: Bermuda Triangle is a Massive Geometry Fail!

  The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, has riveted nutters for more than a half century with tales of missing ships and planes. But is there any truth that it exists?  And if so, what is behind this Dyson vacuum in the sea? I trot out my little dingy and paddles to venture out this week to see if I will become another Tidy Bowl Man statistic. What could it be?  1). The lost city of Atlantis. I don’t mean the resort in the Bahamas with endless gaming machines and a slide shooting you over killer sharks. You will not win any money at this casino as this is actually a crystal pyramid with cosmic suction powers. Not buying it? Neither was Snopes who ruins everything for me. Booo! 2. It’s an inter-dimensional portal. In this world, Amelia Earhart is flying in parallel Earth where she has already broken the speed of sound, cured cancer and is able to create endless food sources for the masses by planting Pez candy in sand while watering it daily with Kentucky Bourbon. Since no one has ever returned through the portal to confirm, I will consider this one debunked.  3. It’s really a time portal. When I get sucked into the drain, I will come back as  kitty Abraham Lincoln with the knowledge now to skip the play at the Ford Theater. I hear it was critically panned by critics anyway and the cast already tried to shame my Vice President. Since I now have infinite knowledge, I will create electricity, drones and the internet which will thoroughly befuddle other countries still riding on a horse and buggy. We will be so advanced that we will prevent the World Wars. By the year 2016, cats will actually be genetically advanced to the point that Roombas will be our flying cars. Take that George Jetson! But, once I get out of Bill and Ted’s phone booth realizing its not a time machine, I go on searching for further clues.  4. Alien Alert! Alien Alert! We talked about the noises under the sea in Canada a few weeks back and that it might be the rumblings of USOs readying themselves for Independence Day III (Let’s face it, we need to redeem the awful ID II). But it might actually be that famed Latoya Jackson Intergalactic SpacePort that I see people checking into on Facebook (seriously, if you fly through Atlanta Hartsfield Airport,... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Doomsday Airlines Now Accepting Reservations? (Gasp!)

  My heart goes out to all of the poor humans (and any pets) that will be making the pilgrimage to the airports this week in preparation for what is certainly the worst week to travel. Between long security lines, delayed flights and copious amounts of cardboard pizza, I wish everyone a safe and hopefully non-frustrating Thanksgiving holiday. We have a lot to be thankful for in this country. Me in particular; I’m thankful for mommy, my brofur and sisfurs and lots of crazy conspiracies to write about.  While we are on the topic of the friendly skies, the internet exploded with conspiracies of the not so friendly skies by way of the “Doomsday” plane seen circling over the city of Denver. Yes, the city with the weirdest airport on the planet (a whole nother’ conspiracy theory). So what is the “Doomsday” plane you ask? It’s a US Navy EB-6 Boeing 707 plane that would function as strategic command centers coordinating all intercontinental ballistic missile submarines carrying the nukes should our country come under attack. But why are we trotting out War Games over Denver in the year of 2016? Are they preparing for actually Doomsday when a pesky Matthew Broderick-like millennial decides to hack into the gubment systems accidentally sparking a potential nuclear war with Russia? Are they plotting to put an end to the Rocky Mountain contact high that permeates the state? Is it really an exercise for the pending alien invasion?  Well, Colorado was ground zero for the Russians’ invasion of the US in the 1984 movie Red Dawn. But…before we all get our face paint, camo, and shouts of Wolverines on, perhaps it really was JUST a training exercise. Except for the fact that the FAA was unaware that this flight was to occur and all they’ve been advised was that this mission was “classified”.  I just ordered a box of cat diapers. WTF?  Now back to the Wolverines schtick. They are playing the Buckeyes this Saturday, so maybe Urban Meyer has dispatched one final Hail Mary Doomsday plane surprise to defeat Michigan and secure their BCS Playoff bid. Nah. I give up. I don’t know why the Doomsday Plane is out parading like a marching band in New York on Thanksgiving Day. I’m just going to continue my attempts to contact ET in hopes I can secure a seat on his airline exiting this crazy planet. I wonder if his flights have peanuts, movies and flight... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: What’s That Noise Under The Sea (Spoiler alert…its not cats in heat)

  Uh oh. There’s a strange and suspicious pinging sound under the sea in Arctic Canadian territory that is so concerning that the Canadian military is now involved in investigating this mystery. Apparently its been happening all summer but it’s just coming to public light after a Canadian politician remarked that all the animals are missing. Hmmm. One thing I can say about my animal kingdom is that when there’s a hint of trouble (potential earthquakes, hurricanes, alien aircraft or a new Justin Bieber album) we flee like roaches when a light comes on. I mean we have senses you can only dream about humans, so if they animals have fled, what hell on earth is potentially coming. Well conspiracy theorists have weighed in and here are their musings:  1). UFOs. Ok ET. I realize that we have been conditioned to await your arrival via space, so this potential news that there are thousands of alien aircraft under the sea waiting for their sign to invade us via water. Genius! Except we now know they are not called UFOs, but USOs (Unidentified Submerged Objects). Great…. in addition to my telescope, I now need to buy feline aquatic gear. (mommy has changed her Amazon password again though… drat).  2). It was a Russian nuclear submarine that has gotten stuck. Now this I could believe. A good way to navigate out of the way of American radar is to stealthily navigate the waters of the Arctic Circle above and around Canada. I hope this one is not true. But would be plausible.  3). It’s Ursula the Sea Witch from the Little Mermaid. Like she tried to trick Ariel, she is now trying to trick Donald Trump into giving up his Presidency in exchange for ownership of the entire Arctic Circle to which he would build large Igloo skyscrapers and save the American economy with massive oil drilling and tourism. In exchange, she will replace him as the ruler of the US. I totally made that up. But Disney, if you’re listening, help a kitty out with a sequel already.  4). It’s The Thing. I just saw the original for the first time over the holidays and I will never be in a room with Kurt Russell. So is the pinging noise a sign that an extraterrestrial parasite is set to be unleashed on the world devouring us all? I shudder at the thought.  5). Its the first of the Seven Trumpets... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Will The Election Finally Kill My Blog? Gasp!

  Well folks, its finally here. After 18 months of utter gutter politics, for better or worse, tomorrow we will elect a new President. Its been the most grueling span of campaigning that has aged me 7 years in the process. No, I’m serious. I’m a cat. According to the human calculators I went from 20 to 27 in just 18 months. The rapid aging of a cat compared to humans should be its own conspiracy. So as we approach the finish line, we look back at all of the election conspiracies that have brought chuckles, horror and countless hours of entertainment for me. Many of these have been covered this year in previous blogs.  1). Trump is a plant to destroy the Republican Party so that Hillary wins the Presidency. (If he’s a plant, I hope he is one that is not poisonous to cats. I hope in fact, he is cat nip).  2). Ted Cruz’s dad Rafael conspired with Oswald to kill JFK (second gunman on the grassy knoll anyone? Or did he just get a grassy knoll stain on his pants. That hill can be slippery).  3). Donald is in bed with the Russians to destroy the Democratic Party and a Hillary President (Can’t be true. Putin is only a 4 on a good day.) 4). Was Scalia murdered? (Naw…..but his murder destroyed democracy and the future of the Supreme Court as Congress will likely never appoint his replacement).  5). Syrian Refugees bill ISIS for their cell phones (is that something I can look into? Have you seen the nonsense data charges these companies charge consumers? We would defeat ISIS solely on bankrupting them with our cell phone bills. Boom! War on Terror solved).  6). Christmas Has Disappeared (Um, have you been to any store lately? Christmas started in October before mommy could even buy Halloween decorations. Christmas is alive and well my friends).  7). Hillary has a healthy body double! (I hope that woman has governing experience then).  8). Obama is gonna cancel the 2016 election (some days I wish it would be true. Its like America became a reality show that I hoped would be non-renewed for next season). 9). Hillary is the reptilian queen that is chosen to lead the world (Will she appoint the Geico Gecko to her Cabinet? Godzilla as Secretary of Defense?). 10). Ted Cruz is actually Robert Kardashian Sr. (for his sake I hope its not true. that’s a... read more