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Tin Foil Tuesday: Did the Illuminati End Prince’s Purple Reign?

  Last week I asked mommy why there were a lot of sad old people on Facebook mourning the loss of this little tiny guy named Prince. I asked what country he reigned over and she told me “the kingdom of funk Little Man”. He apparently was a voice for a generation and the soundtrack to many lives back in his heyday. So I listened to Purple Rain and I just didn’t get it. Was he talking about purple acid rain and chemtrails? Was all of his music just a giant foreshadow of his imminent and ultimate demise? Did he die from natural causes, illness, prescription drug abuse or was he murdered by Illuminati? See how I slipped that in?  Sure enough, there are already conspiracy theories about his death spreading on the internet like butter on a biscuit. Some are saying that the Illuminati killed Prince as part of a blood sacrifice ritual. Think about it? He was relatively young and in mostly good health. He was videoed riding his bike around Minneapolis just days before his death. So the question is why would the Illuminati want the Purple Prince of Funk dead? Is it because he went on live TV recently and spoke publicly about chemtrails, New World Order and global manipulation? Were they afraid of his upcoming “tell-all” memoir that would expose their illicit secrets?  Nutters theorize that The Illuminati tried to bring Prince into the fold as one of them, but after he learned their secrets, he rebelled and rejected their nefarious agenda and essentially became a marked man. The most bizarre connection was this 2008 Simpson’s episode where Homer Simpson was supposed to kill celebrities that didn’t do what “they” wanted. Presumably, the shadowy “they” are the Illuminati. And who did Homer kill? You guessed it, Prince. So does this mean that Prince was offed because he wasn’t beholden to his corporate slave masters? Who knows. The more I read about this “Illuminati” nonsense, the more that I think there maybe fire where there’s smoke. Of course, I’m perpetually stoned out of my mind on nip, so it could be just kitty paranoia. RIP sweet Prince, RIP. – Cheers, Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Rafael Cruz Sr Killed JFK (Gasp!)? (But Probably Not)

  Its been more than 50 years since JFK was assassinated and we are no closer to the truth then we were when it happened. This is officially one of the oldest conspiracy theories on the planet and yet we continue to see new and fresh conspiracies coming out of the woodwork like termites in a log cabin. You see, JFK conspiracy theories are a lot like a cake coming out of an Easy Bake oven; mostly half-baked and very hard to swallow.   In the past 50 years we have seen the following person(s) implicated in Kennedy’s killing:   Lee Harvey Oswald Second Gunmen on the grassy knoll The Mafia The Cubans The Russians The Russians in cahoots with the Cubans LBJ The CIA The Illuminati (how can we leave them out?) Little Green Men (yes ET did it, phone home my ass!) Jackie Kennedy (that will solve any zipper problem)   But I bet you haven’t heard the new one about Rafael Cruz Sr (not Rafael “Teddy boy” Jr who may or may not ever be President) being somehow linked to Kennedy’s death? Yup, me either, until I did today.   You see, Rafael Sr was an anti-Castro activist. And maybe Rafael, given his possible anti-Castro activism was recruited by the CIA into more nefarious activities? If you believe the CIA killed Kennedy, then maybe……..   And further more, where was Rafael (Sr, not Jr who may or may not be in the DC madam’s phone book) prior to the assassination in November 1963? Hmm, possibly in a grainy photo with Lee Harvey Oswald passing out “Hands off Cuba” propaganda pamphlets to people in New Orleans. Oh burn. There was a second gunmen on the grassy knoll after all. Except I’ve looked at the photos and will let you do the same to draw your own conclusion.   My conclusion is that I can’t even pick out which guy in this photo is Lee Harvey Oswald let alone Rafael Cruz Sr with hair in the 1960’s. It could be any Cuban guy. It could even be a mafia guy. It might even be Gilbert Gottfried? Further review with trusted ball-crusher Snopes seems to indicate that there really is not much merit to this conspiracy. So keep trying Kennedy Conspirators. Perhaps next week, you will find evidence that implicates the great-grandfather of Justin Beiber or possibly conclude that OJ was the real killer (finally) of Kennedy. Until then, I will... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Obama is a Vampire (Gasp)!

  Nutter in Chief Alex Jones recently concluded on his show that Obama may be a vampire because he’s an evil man that doesn’t wear a cross around his neck. His pastor guest also concluded that he must be a vampire because flies like to land on him all the time and that if he ever ran into him, he would flash a cross. LMAO!!! So I had to look further into this issue and guess what? Tin Foil hats out there have actually believed Obama to be a vampire for quite some time. So I asked myself, what if all of our politicians are vampires? Well, google you cheeky beast, it turns out that most all of the remaining Presidential candidates may have something to hide too. Like vials of blood in their refrigerators and sleeping in coffins. So let’s take a look at these “vampires”…….   Aww hell no. I pictured Obama more like a Denzel Vampire and not this creepy-faced rosacea with bad teeth get up. Well if he is a vampire, he is out in the sun a lot so wouldn’t he have disintegrated in the rose garden by now? Maybe he’s more like a Vampire from the Twilight series who is kinda pale and has to endure life’s angst like a horny Vampire teenager roaming the halls of the White House sizing up his next meal only to have to resort to eating animals when Michelle is not watching and making sure he eats his vegables. Yeah I’m not buying it either, but let’s have fun  anyway with the Presidential candidates.  Ted Cruz:  Yeah, he’s definitely Grandpa Munster. Impish and likely diabolical. Or perhaps, he could actually be Count Chocula:    The nose is uncanny you cereal-loving shyster! Your delicious sugary cereal is simply unconstitutional.   Hillary Clinton:  Holy crap Hillary. The secret sauce to a successful marriage is not love for Bill, but love for the blood of Bill. Scary stuff people.  Donald Trump:  The Trumpster is obviously out for blood against the Republican Establishment, so bring lots of garlic and holy water to what will probably be a contested convention in Cleveland.   It should be noted, I could not find Vampire Sanders anywhere. The only link was appearing at an event with the indie-band Vampire Weekend. Perhaps he is the political Von Helsing or perhaps metaphorically his policies are going to drain the blood life out of the US taxpayers. Who knows.... read more

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