Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: This Mars Thing Is Fishy?

Well it’s now September 29 and we’re all still here; thus debunking several conspiracy theories that we would be dead by asteroid or by financial collapse and chaos. So nice try wacko birds. This week we turn our attention to the awesome NASA news announced yesterday that there is evidence of salt water on Mars. And if there is existence of water on the planet, could evidence of life be far behind? Me thinks that is the case. A couple of screwy conspiracies have popped up after the announcement that we find worthy of discussion. So here we go………   Conspiracy Nutty Buddy #1: “NASA is covering up alien base on Mars.    Yes, you heard that right. In a seemingly slight of hand trick, NASA has apparently found an alien colony and metaphorically pooped themselves. They couldn’t possibly let this information out, so they came up with a cover story of the discovery of water on the red planet. Reddit in particular was an explosion of tin foil hat enthusiasts (or possible trolls, jokesters) about how the scientists were unable to confirm how the water got on the cliffs and craters and that it had to be supported by an underground water supply and thus run by an underground alien colony. BOOM! Take that NASA….you’ve been had.    The best part of this Mirror UK article is that scientists want to put a man on Mars and soon. Several readers suggested we declare war on Mars and there would be boots on the ground within a year! Especially considering these colonized aliens clearly harbor Weapons of Mass Destruction….For more on this…..     Conspiracy #2: This announcement has strange timing…..ahem Matt Damon.    The knowledge of this water discovery has been a couple months in the making. Why wait so long to make the announcement to the general public? Oh yeah, that Martian movie which is coming out this weekend. What a perfect way to generate excitement about both the red planet AND a fictitious movie about the red planet starring Matt Damon. You will be inclined to see the movie so you can learn more about the planet. Except a lot of it will probably be super made up.    So why the marketing tie-in? Here’s my take. The movie is directed by Ridley Scott. He of the original groundbreaking Alien movie who hasn’t had a bonafide hit since Gladiator. He also wants to remind... read more

Pope Francis Is The False Prophet? (Gasp)

Pope Francis, making his historic tour of Cuba and the US this week is coming under fire from conspiracy theorists who believe he may be the false prophet spoken of in the Bible. Except he isn’t, but we’ll humor the tin foils and explain their theories.    The visionary, who will remain anonymous, indicates she has been getting more and more visions of a celebrity dressed in “black” that is going to bring forth death and destruction. I’m assuming he or she is actually having visions of Steven Seagull since he basically killed his career. He always wore black in his movies and he always killed a lot of people. I think this “visionary” is off the mark here about Pope Francis.    Then this “visionary” indicates that she saw the “evil” man in black killed and then arising from the dead and his initials were JB or JC? She claims the pope, who’s actual name was Jorge Bergoglio, must be the JB!!! Francis I was a Jesuit and a “black pope”, so her visions about Pope Francis (taking the Francis name, doing evil stuff like telling people to love one another) must be true. He is the new black pope that will bring forth end times! (Me thinks she is actually mishearing the initials in her vision and that it’s actually JV which stands for Jason Voorhees of the Friday the 13th series. It would make sense because “Jason” was killing lots of people, then he gets killed. Then he somehow rises back to life again for yet another sequel. Yup. She’s not convincing me at all she is seeing Pope Francis).    Her visions are based upon the St Malachy Prophecies. St. Malachy was a 12th century bishop who said there would only be one more pope after Benedict. Being that Benedict was the last pope, then it would make sense that poor Francis is gonna be the last pope reigning over end times. Here’s an excerpt from the Irish Central that lays out the Malachy prophecy:    “The prediction in full is “In the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church there will reign Peter the Roman, who will feed his flock amid many tribulations, after which the seven-hilled city will be destroyed and the dreadful Judge will judge the people. The End.” (Ok, none of the above makes any sense. Pope Francis surname is not Peter. What flock is he talking about? Sheep, Birds, Wocka... read more

WeeeNN 2016: Hour Two of the Debate – Not Quite as Fun, Less Fights

Immigration Donald – here comes the wall biotches. Laws need to be followed. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if Trump weren’t around. We are going to have a country again because right now we don’t. Christie is the ENFORCER people. But thinks Donald is dumb on economics of deporting an enormous amount of people. Agrees we need to secure the border, then rips off Ben Carson’s answers about using drones on the border. Carson is also a skeptic on logistics of deportation. But agrees we need the giant Trump Wall. Says the current one sucks.  Bush shows the softer side of immigration. Tells Donald to say hi to his Mexican wife in the audience. Trump says he’s weak on immigration. Fiorina points out that we’ve been talking about illegal immigration for 25 years. This isn’t new Donald. Donald says good illegals will come back and we will let them.  Bush is gonna speak Spanish when he wants to so screw you Donald. Rubio says we should all speak English and that his grandpappy didn’t speak it so good. But that’s ok , he became a conservative. But he wants pappy to listen to him in English now. Carson says pristine illegals can get agricultural jobs.  Cruz glad Trump is here to bring up illegal immigration. Touts his record of never supporting amnesty. Triple border patrol, gates, fences, keep them out! Rubio says we have 3 immigration problems; illegals, illegals and ummm, illegals. Track the illegals. Criminals go home. Carson says his plan is not amnesty for agricultural jobs because the people need guacamole and fruit. We need to follow Yuma’s plan. Not reinvent the wheel. Uses common sense. He might drop in the polls because he’s logical.  Anchor baby time. Fiddle with the Constitution. End birthright citizenship. People coming from Asia to have babies. Probably because they can only have one in China. Fiorina is smartly attacking Obama, Hillary and not her opponents. Except Donald. Schooling Donald on the cumbersome nature of changing amendments.  Paul agrees with Trump on the anchor babies. Gives us a history lesson of the 14th amendment.  Carly splains what happened at HP. Donald sharpening his claws. She saved HP from oblivion. Hey Steve Jobs got fired twice and he’s a freaking genius. Donald advises us that Carly is in the top 20 of all time worst CEOs. Carly schools Donald on debt and the way he ran up debt like we do in... read more

WeeeNN 2016: The Debate Hour One Recap

And we’re off!  Jake Tapper as the emcee going over the rules including that they can now debate (fight) one another.  Intros……yawn. Kibble. Who the hell dressed Ben Carson? Worst dressed of the night. Donald touting his book “Art of the Deal” again. Sounded like Cruz said he has a husband named Heidi. I had to scratch my ears to hear better. Scott Walker invokes the first Reagan (drink) although I don’t think he fits in the pocket of Reagan let alone shoes. Love Carly’s dress, Best Dressed. How does she look so good at 61? Kasich was actually on Reagan’s plane when he was alive, ha ha Walker! Chris Christie redirects the cameras to the audience so they don’t see him cram in that last donut.  Carly is up first, Trump bashing question. She doesn’t bite. And turns the table on Jake. Bam.  Trump says Rand Paul shouldn’t be here. Government needs to be run like a business. Says he has good temperament.  Paul punches back about Careless Whispers. Trump is a sophomoric boob that shouldn’t be near the red nuclear button. Trump doesn’t attack Paul on his appearance, but then does anyway.  Trump says he’s number one, Pataki couldn’t be a dog catcher.  Bush rips off Carly’s answer pivots to Obama (smart) instead of taking the Donald red button gotcha question.  Walker doesn’t need an Apprentice in the White House (good joke writer). Trump punches back on how back Walker sucks in Wisconsin. Record matters Walker, bend over and take a Trump spanking. Walker says Donald’s a liar liar pants on fire. Walker says he is doing great in WI. So there.  Kasich scolds the debaters acting like school children and scolds the debate monitors. Get to the issues already you children. Tells us to turn off the debate.  Christie wakes up everyday with Democratic guns in his face in NJ. Vetos everything the Dems do in the NJ legislature. But its not about him, its about us!  Carson concerned about the divisiveness in this country (how about on this stage, Ben?). Doesn’t want to describe who’s a phony and who’s not. Carly jumps in and says the people support the Outsiders because they like Pony Boy and want to Stay Gold. And no one challenges the status quo.  Bush has to answer for being a puppet of billionaire donors. Says they support him because he rocks it like a hurricane. Rats out Trump for not getting a... read more

Tin Foil Hat Tuesday: September 28, 2015, Yup That’s the Date

Another Tuesday, another looming disaster. This time, courtesy of Mitt Romney and the Mormon Church. Except for that Mitt Romney part, yes scratch that. He has no affiliation with this nor do regular mainstream Mormons…. we think….A group of more fervent Mormons believe that the upcoming Jewish High Holy Days of September is going to bring about a US financial collapse on September 28, 2015 (strangely the same day that asteroid (see last week) is supposed to hit Puerto Rico). Hmmmm…..   Stores out in Utah are finding their supply of food, blankets and other camping “supplies” being sold out like hotcakes after a weed fest. You see, once the financial collapse occurs there will be utter chaos and your chances of getting canned food and water at your local Publix (or Kroger, Meijer, Bruno’s, AP, Wegmans, Sweetbay, etc) are slim to none. And that anorexic slim just left the building with the last case of water and beef jerky.    There is also a marked uptick in freeze-dried foods being purchased. You know the shitty powdered stuff that astronauts have to survive on in space? Yeah, lots of Mormons are stocking up on that stuff too. So now we have two, I repeat, two independent prophecies that say the shiznit will go down on September 28. So that means perhaps the apocalypse will manifest itself during the Packers/Chiefs game on Monday Night Football. Are you ready for some football? Are you ready for some freeze-dried foods? Are you ready for some cheeseheads? Are you ready for your tin foil hat? Check…I’m ready. I just hope they have freeze-dried cheese available for my tailgate just in case – Cheers, Little Man... read more

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