News of the Wee: Winter Soldier or Winter the Dolphin?

Another week is heading to conclusion and it will usher in the coldest weather of the fall into the sunshine state. I know what you’re thinking, really Wee? Cold in Florida is the equivalent of opening the refrigerator to get a beer. It’s over and done with in about 30 seconds. I have already turned on the heat in preparation which mommy did not appreciate given that it’s still 85 degrees today. What’s news peeps…………… Wee on Jose Canseco shooting himself in the hand: Let’s see, Canseco has shot his mouth off repeatedly about things and shot himself (and others) in the foot during the steroid scandal. Oh you mean, he actually shot himself this time….with a bullet? Mommy: Yes Wee. Wee: Carry on. The best part of the story is that the shooting came shortly after his firing off angry tweets about Delta Airline’s poor customer service. Apparently the lesson is fly the friendly karma skies that Delta control and don’t tweet angry messages while you clean your gun. #NAILEDIT Mommy rolled her eyes. Wee on nurse Kaci Hickox challenging her quarantine in Maine Listen sweetie, I guarantee if Mommy came in contact with an Ebola patient and they wanted her to home quarantine for 21 days, her a** would be sitting on the couch watching endless hours of Bravo shows. The delivery man would leave the pizza on the porch and I would slide it in the house. I would regularly take her temperature (via rectal thermometer of course, kitty snicker) while she slept to make sure she’s not symptomatic. What’s the problem???? 21 days off. Who wouldn’t want that? I commend her for her selfless service over in Africa, but is 21 days of your life too much to ask for what could be potentially life and death for someone else? She seems to think she has science and the constitution on her side. But firstly, of those that became infected in this country or through exposure in Africa, we don’t have 100% certainty how these people became infected. Second, it’s also my constitutional kitty right not to be exposed to a potentially deadly disease because someone wants to thumb their nose at the government. Next…. Wee on Naming Winter Storms: As hurricane season begins its wind down, mother nature then ushers in the dreaded winter storm season. I find it odd that we now name winter storms. It seems rather silly and pointless. But if... read more

News of the Wee: Mommy, What’s a Tweaker?

It’s that time people. Time for grandma’s visit where I will get loads of attention while I strut my stuff. I will impress her with my knowledge of Ebola, ISIS and Breaking Bad action figures. So let’s get to it. Wee on Toys R US banning the new Breaking Bad dolls after aFlorida mom got 5,000 petition signatures to have them removed from stores: WTF?? You’re sitting around the boardroom pitching new toy ideas and have the brainfart, “let’s make Walter White dolls for kids to play with so they can make fake meth labs in their rooms”. Who on earth would think this would be a good idea? Imagine having to answer questions such as, mommy, what is meth? Mommy, what are beanies? Mommy, what is redneck crack? Mommy, what’s a tweaker? Mommy, I think I have a cough, can we go get a few packs of Sudafed? Let’s get real; the biggest risk I see with children playing with Breaking Bad dolls is Barbie. You know she’s a meth head waiting to happen ever since she found out Ken also likes GI Joe. Once you get her up on the stuff, she’ll be turning tricks with stuffed animals in no time to get her fix. And that just can’t happen in the toy world. You can’t have Barbie with no hips and no teeth. She just wont sell. Bravo lady in Florida for getting this awful idea off the shelves. But if you really want the doll, psssst…it’s available on Amazon for $44.99 with 2 day shipping for Prime Members. Just saying. There’s only 60 more shopping days until Christmas. Wee on the repetitive nature of the news: They really should just have the ISIS/Ebola network 24/7. Well then again, I guess that would be CNN, but I digress. These are really the only two stories that matter for the upcoming election cycle as well. Fear and fear. I’ll take my fear medium rare with a side of fear. Can you put the fear on the side? I’m trying to watch my anxiety. Vote for me or you will die from Ebola or ISIS. To hell with the manipulated stock market and sluggish job creation. You know the economy and stuff….stuff that really matters. Whew it’s hot in here, someone bring me a fan….. Ebola -If you have possibly been exposed to Ebola, don’t spread Ebola. 21 days in quarantine is not gonna kill you. But it... read more

News of the Wee: Ebola Airlines Coming to an Airport Near You

Well it appears the shit is literally and figuratively going to hit the fan if you believe the fear mongering of the news media. Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husbands cause Ebola is gonna be everywhere by the end of the year. Except it won’t. Absent any further skulduggery, we should have the resources to contain the present outbreak of 2 people. However, after what’s transpired this week…….. Coming to an airport near you…………… Are you tired of the monotony of quarantine? Do you feel like your missing out by seeing all your friends having fun on Facebook? Is your cabin fever now worse than your actual body temperature fever? Then fly with Ebola Airlines! The first FAA and FDA approved airline that will get you to your destination in no time at all. Got a fever less than 100.4? Sorry, you don’t qualify to fly on this airline and you would be best served by getting on a regular commercial airline, preferably out of a large metropolitan airport, say…..Chicago or New York. This is our business model. You do the work for us so that we eventually have a lot of paying customers! Our destinations are unmatched if you’re looking for a one-way adventure spending time with like-minded people. Our routes include; Monrovia, Liberia, Freetown, Sierra Leone and coming this December…Non stop flights to the Islamic State! Imagine YOU being the critical component in our war against terror. And they said there’d be no boots on the ground. PFFFFFT….. So the next time you are inadvertently or actually exposed to an Ebola patient AND you have a temperature of at least 100.4, Ebola Airlines is here for you. Reservation agents from the CDC are available now. 1 800- CDC- F*CK Peace –... read more

News of the Wee: Kim Jong Gone?

Weeee made it relatively unscathed through another week. Unless you have flown on a plane next to an incoming passenger from West Africa who is sweating and coughing, you should have a fairly uneventful weekend. And speaking of….. Wee on the first fatality of Ebola in the US. You mean to tell me we are curing Americans of the disease but this poor soul from Africa dies after 11 days in this country? Conspiracy or just part of the grim statistic of this virus? Was Thomas Eric Duncan “punished” for coming into this country potentially knowing (and possibly spreading) he had the disease? For lying about being around a family member in Liberia who also suffered the same cruel fate? Was this a deterrent for others seeking to come to America for treatment? Wee was gonna get all conspiratorial on you, but then mommy told me to knock it off. But I take seriously the case of the nurse in Spain who is the first person to contract the disease outside of Africa. They put her beloved canine down for fear he could be a potential carrier of the disease. If this is how the pets of the world are gonna be treated as a result of this outbreak, I’m going to have a very difficult time keeping a paw over my mouth. RIP buddy. Wee on where Kim Jong Un might be: Missing now for 37 days and counting. My theories are as follows: 1. Dead, dead, dead. Assassinated by the OGD, Organisation and Guidance Department or what it really is; a shadowy group of powerful oligarchs that are actually running the country and serve as suppressors to any opposition of the government. Dissension in the ranks is quite common within Pyongyang. After all, it would be a fitting way to go after Dum Son killed his uncle and his ex-girlfriend and all of her family. Karma does reside in North Korea. Weirdest country EVER! 2. Dead, dead, dead – by total accident. Choking on a drumstick from KFC or perhaps an errant number 2 pencil to the jugular while he was pencil drumming to his favorite Western song, “Brother Louie”. 3. The funniest rumor I heard was that he is bedridden from gaining so much weight over the last year that it broke both of his ankles. This is the most of absurd, but perhaps the most likely plot line of any proposed Team America sequel. Wherever... read more

News of the Wee: Reporting the News Before It Happens

Hello Monday. I’ve missed you, but not really. You actually pretty much suck. Mommy goes back to work and my regular dispensing of kibble and kibble-related items goes back to a schedule. I do not like the schedule. And since Monday is ass backwards, I will be commenting on news that has not yet happened this week, but will. Or probably not….. Wee on where will Ebola be this week? In your house. Wee on where will ISIS be this week? In your backyard Mommy: Wee, c’mon. You promised to predict this week’s news since you were late in discussing last week’s news. Wee: Ok, here are my predictions: Ebola – there will be 3 new cases of Ebola originating in the US this week thanks to people like Mr. Liberia and his indifference as to whether or not he would spread it outside of the hot-zone. You’re not going to be able to contain it from getting into this country. Time to temporarily suspend flights into the US from West Africa. Rick Perry will inevitably blame Obama for failing to secure the border which resulted in the Texas case. And by border, I mean securing Texas from the rest of the contiguous states. The new cases will come out of eastern cities like NY, DC or possibly Atlanta. ISIS – They hid all their stuff before the airstrikes since we pretty much broadcasted on every TV and internet news source what we were going to do. They will officially take Kobane on the border with Turkey. Turkey will finally commit to the coalition. Turkey tastes great with gravy and mashed potatoes. That last fact is an absolute. Haven’t heard anymore about airstrikes, so we should start hearing about “ground troops” soon. NFL – The Browns will win a third game in the last 2 minutes causing an increased spike in heartburn medicine purchases in Cleveland. E/R visits will increase twofold. The leading cause of heart attacks will now no longer be heart disease. Weather: There will be a new tropical depression in the Southern Caribbean either Sat or Sunday. All of those that have written off hurricane season in FL will be flocking in droves to the nearest big box and grocery stores to prepare. The storm after seeming to be an imminent doom and after hundreds of dollars spent in preparations, will be kicked east by a cold front and driven just east of FL. It is... read more