News of the Wee: F&ck It, I Quit

No not me. The phrase that rang out through the internet and media last week after Alaskan TV reporter Charlo Greene launched her on-air “take this job and shove it” in a dramatic obscene fashion while doing a report on marijuana. Green, an owner of a marijuana club no longer wanted to participate in media reindeer games by reporting news in opposition of her crusade to legalize pot in the state. Watching the news anchor (bless her heart) following the F-airstrike was priceless in itself. From stammering with a deer in the headlights look to trying to cut to a non-existent commercial, it was TV gold. I have two comments. First, thank you Charlo for allowing me to live vicariously through you for saying something I’ve wanted to tell mommy for months. Second, I fully endorse your support of the legalization of weed in Alaska. Number One, it’s Alaska. There’s nothing to do and it’s cold all the time. If your state’s population of moose outnumber the people……Number Two, if I lived in the same state as whackadoodle Palin, I would have to be high everyday to survive. (of note, after reading, mommy advised me that I don’t get paid anyway and that I can quit at anytime. I smell a trap). And thus I am delinquent in reporting the news for last week. Wee on last week’s other buzzword: Network of Terror: I can only assume they are referring to T-Mobile and the lack of coverage mommy gets outside of major metropolitan areas. But I digress, the network is actually the newly coined name for terrorists (ISIL, Khorsan) to replace the outdated “evildoers” or “axis of evil” from last decade. At least the network seems a little more relevant to the techno world we live and to their mission. I, for instance, could’ve probably been classified under the moniker of “evildoer”. It’s just too broad. And speaking of Khorasan, who the **** are these guys and why is this the first we are hearing about the alleged “A” team of Al Queso? Seriously, when I typed their name into google, it asked me “did you mean kerosene”? If google doesn’t know about them, they’re clearly operating covertly. That is, if they even exist. If they do exist, well done intelligence peeps for playing keep away from the press. Trying to hide intelligence from the press these days is the equivalent of hiding bacon on a table from a... read more

News of the Wee: Anger Management = Furniture Destruction

Another week is quickly coming to an end and I’m just plain cranky. There has been a noted reduction in the provision of wet food in the house and an increase in the stubby tasteless “weight-loss” kibble in my bowl. I’m royalty dammit. Get it together woman. Mommy says I need to get to pageant weight by October. I have a stash of secret fast food kibble in a closet and will surprise Mommy with my Great Pumpkin outfit for Halloween this year. I like being chubby. It suits me. And now I will crankily discuss this week’s news events. Earth to Obama…..Come in Obama: While there are times that I disagree with the President’s strategies and policies, I still have respect for the fact that he has been very measured and reluctant to get us into another conflict in the Middle East. But this week’s strategy to arm the Syrian Rebels is just not going to work. Have we not learned from the countless times we have aided opposition groups, only for it to blow up in our faces? The Syrian Rebels remain focused on one thing; getting rid of Al-Asaad. The theatre that is ISIS is merely a blip on their radar, so why would they have incentive to weaken another opposition force that would ultimately weaken their own cause against their one sworn enemy? And stating unequivocally that there will be no ground troops used has put Obama in a box that he can’t come out of unscathed. While the mess in Iraq is the fault of the prior administration, the decision and strategy on how we deal with ISIS is solely Obama’s. What’s not being said. A true coalition force of ground troops of allies with capable militaries (US, Australia, France, Germany and including ISRAEL) would be the best solution if the goal is to eradicate ISIS. But we don’t hear a peep about Israel for fear of not getting Arab coalition partners. And Germany has said no thanks. The US cannot win this war with a rag tag team of rebel “fighters”, the weak Iraqi army and a lukewarm cooperation of other Arab nations. This is the Bad News Bears, but without Walter Matthau. We are essentially going into a gun fight with a dull butter knife. They say insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting the same results. But yet, we never learn. CLAWS OUT Short takes and Shortcakes... read more

News of the Wee: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly TIme

Yes, you can thank me for allowing this annoying ear worm to infiltrate your head for the day. Enjoy trying to eradicate it out for the next hour. Let’s get to it while the song is still playing repeatedly in your head: Wee on ISIS code words used by terror suspect (and American) Tarek Mahenna and likely many others: If you didn’t catch this news story this week, I suggest you climb out of the rock you’ve been hiding under and get up to speed. Unless you live in the northern states, in which case I suggest you stay there because winter is coming early sadly. Authorities released this week that convicted Boston terror suspect, Tarek Mehanna used a variety of “code words” to mask his communications with terror groups in the Middle East and Africa. For example, Peanut Butter and Jelly = Jihad. P-town refers to Pakistan and not fluffy Provincetown. The YMCA is no longer just a drunken wedding song or workout place, it’s now just shitty Yemen. Culinary school is believed to mean training camp. Like it’s doppelganger, it involves knives, but the only thing served on the menu is fear. And fear is not very tasty. And the side dishes suck. In light of the above codes used by suspected terrorists, I will now create my own code for the remainder of this post (and most likely subsequent posts). ISIS/ISIL will now be referred to as hemorrhoids. Air strikes by the coalition will be referred to as Preparation H. Boots on the ground will simply be a deeper attack at the root of the problem and will be referred to as suppositories. Unfortunately, hemorrhoids seem to be taking a page from Hamas (now to be renamed in code to Hummus) by blending in with society around them, hiding artillery within the masses and further making it more difficult for Preparation H to target them. This unfortunately will likely result in the need for the use of suppositories. Whether or not our country is weary from overuse of suppositories the last 13 years, it remains the only logical and effective long-term solution to eradicating the current hemorrhoids. And Wee is not a hawk. I hate the fact that we have to use any treatment against hemorrhoids or that hemorrhoids still exist. I’m simply using common sense and logic as it relates to a more intensive and effective treatment of them. Especially ones you can’t see. The... read more

News of the Wee: Shock and Paw

The weekend is here my peeps and we are ready for some sun, fun and some football. Or more accurately, napping, kibble followed by gratuitous napping and possible blackouts. There was a lot of news this week, so let’s get to it! Wee on Obama’s message that there will be no safe haven for ISIL: Except for the parts in Syria and the likely migration to Jordan, Yemen, Pakistan and Afghanistan where they will disburse like cockroaches. Once you cut the head off the snake, another one will take it’s place sadly and we will be seeing the reincarnation of new “caliphates” for at least the rest of my sad short life. Plus what was up with the location of Obama’s speech. Looked like a gay decorator from the 80′s vomited all over the screen. It almost looked fake. And to top it off, right leaning news agencies quickly pointed out that the staging made him look like he had grown horns. All kidding aside, I think the reluctant hawk speech was compelling. Now let’s rollback ISIS like prices at Walmart. Show them some Shock and Paw. Wee on the release of the extended remix version of the Ray Rice elevator video: Umm….earth to Goddell, better find your scapegoat now during the “special investigation” or it’s lights out, aha, blast, blast, blast. Rice didn’t just hit the poor woman, he cold cocked her ass. And to make matters worse, instead of reacting like OMG what did I just do, he moves her and kicks her unconscious body around with his foot like she was a piece of luggage. He showed absolutely no remorse. It was despicable to watch. But what was worse? The NFL’s appearance that they simply glossed this one over and thought no one would be the wiser after the original scandal died down. Tsk Tsk Tsk. You are on the verge of being renamed the National Facepalm League. Get it together or I will permanently switch to futbol!!! Wee on Oscar Pistorius being found guilty of culpable homicide: Say what you want about the odd South African justice system, but at least he was convicted of something. Here in the US, prosecutors would’ve overreached and tried to convict him on first degree murder where he would’ve likely been exonerated by a jury of nimrods. I like that the judge had control of the outcome and actually used sound judgment based upon the evidence presented. While the... read more

News of the Wee: I’m Sick of Terrorists

Friday! Bring it people. Mommy will be home and she will be cooking stuff in the crock pot to celebrate the start of football. When she’s not looking I will be dipping my paw into the cheesy concoction. Because I have white paws and the cheese dip is yellow, I will likely need assistance from Little Man to hide the evidence. Then when Little Man’s paws are yellow, I can blame it on him. I’m always tinkering with my mastermind strategy. Let’s see what’s happening in the world. Wee on Al Qaeda opening a branch in India: Is this a new bank? Will they be able to make deposits and withdraw arms, ideology and large gobs of money? The once most feared terrorist group on the planet has been out-schooled by its servant ISIS and their well developed marketing and business recruitment plan. You see AQ, you have become Burger King to their McDonalds. You just aren’t that exciting anymore. No one wants to have it your way when you could be lovin’ it in Iraq and Syria. India is a predominantly Hindu nation of peace, it’s gonna be a tough sell. Its the equivalent of opening up an Outback Steakhouse in India. No one is going to run out to eat a 12oz sirloin that could be the reincarnation of their Uncle Deepak. Just not the target market. The reality is this was one of the silliest headlines of the week. Terrorists are not corporations and should not advertise the opening up of “branches”. Terrorists are cockroaches that require pest control. Wee on another ISIS beheading of an American Journalist: Ok. Wee is going out there to give some food for thought. I try and read about all aspects of an issue before making my own decisions. While I don’t necessarily believe in conspiracy theories, I find them fascinating. Most of them have some level of plausibility to them, however outrageous they may be. The most recent oddity is the purported comments from NSA leaker, Edward Snowden that ISIS Leader Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi is actually an agent of Britain, the US and Israel trained by the Mossad and tasked to lure all extremists around the world to one central place dubbed “The Hornet’s Nest”. I kid you not. Here is the link: When I originally read this report, it was prior to the beheading of James Foley and I thought, well it’s an interesting theory to... read more