search
top

News of the Wee: The Old Ball and Chain

Woo hoo. Heading into the Labor day weekend people! I would like to make it clear that I will not be engaging in any labor, whether it be manual or birthing. I have no ovaries because a Republican vet took them from me. Pro-life my ass. Mommy reminds it was actually a liberal-minded charity that took them so I wouldn’t spread my sassiness across the city. I’m just sad that I can’t populate an army of Wee’s everywhere. It could’ve been Planet of the Wees. So with that, let’s check out the news….. Wee on the United Airlines flight scuffle between passengers over a reclining seat: So much for “Fly the Friendly Skies” United. This is the LOL of the week. There is an actual product called the Knee Defender that enables a passenger to prevent the person in front of them from reclining their seat. Passenger #1 put the Knee Defender to the test, pissed off Passenger #2 who attempted to recline her chair. After a flight attendant advised P #1 to remove the device, he declined and caused an all out war with P #2 who then proceeded to throw water in P1′s face. Shortly afterwards, the flight was diverted to Chicago O’Hare where P1 and P2 were kindly escorted off by the PoPo. I have two issues with this. First, Airlines, you have brought this on yourselves in an effort to jam more people than reasonably possible onto a commercial flight. Disable the seats’ ability to recline if you’re going to cram 500 clowns in a Volkswagen. Just saying. Otherwise, you will see a sharp increase in liability claims from people developing blood clots in their legs and angry MMA-style fighting in the aisles. People are getting bigger and leg room is getting smaller. (And Leon’s getting LARGER for your Airplane fans). Second, Passengers, if you need more legroom or you want a seat that reclines, then pay the additional fees to give you Economy Class seating which is basically what all passengers had 5-10 years ago for free. If you are the size of Lurch from the Addams Family, what good is it going to do having your seat in peasant class designed for Hobbits from Middle Earth. Spend the additional $25.00. PAWSMACK Wee on Michigan man who finally had a 100lb tumor removed from his scrotum Wow. Talk about someone with big balls. Credit the TLC network and a special about another man who... read more

News of the Wee: Grown Men Should Not be in Highchairs

What is going on in the world people? It’s like we’ve become deranged versions of our former selves. From the riots and looting that have overtaken “peaceful protests” to the beheading of an American photojournalist at the hands of evil ISIL. Depressing shit people. Let’s focus this week on non-depressing shit. Or at least less depressing shit. Mommy has asked if I can stop saying shit, so I will tone the shit down for now. Shiiiiit. Wee on Rick Perry’s mugshot following his indictment for abuse of power. At least he took off those dumb glasses and smirked a bit. It was smarmy 101. And as much as think he is a total nimrod, I think this case against him is weak at best. Democrats, there’s gotta be something better than the Governor’s coercion of a loon to step down from her position as the head of public integrity unit or face veto of her budget. Afterall, is this loon the person you want in charge of the public integrity unit? She certainly did not walk the walk (or was even capable of walking in a straight line if you’ve seen her arrest video where she was 3 times over the legal alcohol limit). She should’ve done the smart thing and resigned before this became an issue. In the words of the spectacular John Oliver, “I’m calling Dingo”. You can’t have a person overseeing the Public Integrity Unit who clearly lacks this basic qualification. So as much as I’d love to see his smug shot and his superiority attitude pawsmacked down a bit, this scandal ain’t gonna be it. And it could potentially backfire on the Dems as a political stunt. Shorttakes and Shortcakes: Wee on Johnny Football’s less than stellar debut in pre-season: I guess he told the Redskin’s bench who’s number one. He may have been showing his disrespect for their politically incorrect name also. Thank you Johnny for reminding Mommy and other delusional Browns’ fans that you may be next in line as a future failed franchise quarterback. Wee’s tip of the day: Don’t buy the jersey just yet. Wee on “you might want to change your name if…….:” Virginia man, Paul Scott Stoner, was arrested after police found more than $10,000 of weed growing in his home. Would also recommend anyone with the following names who smokes or grows illegal pot to  change their names immediately; Jay, Mary Jane, Bammer, Weed, Blunt, Cheeba or Dutchie.... read more

News of the Wee: Hail to the Feline

I was super elated when I found out a dog was elected to a mayoral position in Minnesota yesterday. Congratulations to Duke, the future mayor of Cormorant, MN. Of the 12 people in the town, 11 voted for the dog over his human opponent, Richard Sherbook who owns the local store. He must not be very well liked in his town to garner only 1 vote, which was his own. The best part of Duke’s win, he gets a annual salary in kibble. How fantastic. Are you listening mommy? I might find a way to ease your monthly kibble expenses. I was curious then dismayed to find out that I would not be the first feline to run for President. Nope, this honor goes to Morris the cat. You remember the orange tabby from the 9 Lives Commercial? Yeah, he ran in both 1988 and 1992. Clearly, he didn’t win, but he came out with such foreign policy gems as the following: When asked on his position on Iran Contra by Eleanor Mondale, the tabby replied through his spokeswoman that; “Any cat would have smelled a rat.” The best part about Morris’ run for presidency, was that in 1988, he finished second behind George H. Bush in name recognition. That’s some funny ass stuff. Poor Dukakis never had a chance. Willie Horton scored higher in name recognition than Dukakis. What other animals have run for office? Here’s a sampling: 1). Boston Curtis, a mule, ran for a Republican precinct seat in Milton, WA in 1938 and won. 2). Pigasus The Immortal. A boar that ran for president in 1968 under the Yippies party. 3). Bosco the Lab/Rotty mix was elected mayor of Sunoi, CA from 1981-1994!!!! Talk about a career politician. 4). Dustin the Turkey, a popular Irish puppet, ran and received thousands of votes in Ireland’s 1997 presidential elections. 5). Stubbs the cat, was elected mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska in 1997. He did not state during his run that he could see Russia from his house. 6). Hank the Cat ran against Tim Kaine and George Allen for Virginia’s Senate seat in 2012 and garnered 7,000 votes finishing in 3rd place. Holy crap! I guess the point I learned today is that when there’s no one respectable running and where voters have to choose between the lesser of two evils, why not pick no evil? Pick a cat. Or a dog. Or an inanimate object like a plant.... read more

Wee on the Issues: Guns and Term Limits

In continuing to put out a thoughtful response to the pressing issues that matter most to people, I give you this week’s Wee On the Issues. Wee on guns I have to admit; I struggle with this one, immensely. and it is NOT black and white like a tuxedo cat. You can have your guns America…. If you’re mentally competent to have them. If you’re not a felon convicted of a prior act involving a gun. We have to use common sense in our right to bear arms. It’s only a right as long as you not using that right to commit heinous acts against others. I would like to see more stringent background checks and registering of new weapons.. I would like not to be able to go to Walmart for litter and then stroll down 2 aisles to purchase a gun for sale on rollback pricing. The fact that you can do this in many states is preposterous. I don’t want to take your guns, I just want you to use them responsibly. You will need them to defend yourselves from future ISIL attacks and ebola outbreak-related riots. But there needs to be common sense in any policy that both preserves your constitutional right to bear arms but also addresses the increasingly violent and disaffected culture in this country. Yes, I’m talking to you NRA. You need to lead the culture of gun responsibility. None of this horseshit coloring book for kids stuff either. Wee on term limits: Yes please. The present culture of lifetime money-lining pockets and self-interest deals do not correlate to representation of the people (or cats). 2 terms and you’re done for the Senate and 4 terms for the House. Eliminate power brokering and votes bought by corporations and lobbyists. If you can’t make a difference in 8-12 years, you have no business staying in Washington. Representing the people should not be a lifetime career. It should be a limited public service with emphasis on effectiveness. We don’t need 89 year-old lifetime incumbents propped up like the dead man in Weekend at Bernie’s making our decisions. And knock out this partisan bullshit. Between the polarizing viewpoints and bickering is this thing called COMPROMISE. You know the thing where neither party gets what they want, but the ultimate result is for the benefit of all parties? Yeah, I realize that Wee needs to send to every member of Congress a copy of Webster’s dictionary. That’s... read more

News of the Wee: Thankfully Clothed and Confused

First full week of August, dog days of summer. Where the hell are the cat days of summer? You know the ones where mommy feeds me bon bons filled with nip while I lay on the couch all day binge watching Mad Men. Mommy said that’s pretty much every day in my world. Hmmm. I think she’s wrong. Plus today she told me to keep my answers short and sweet so that we can go on a car ride. I hope its to greet my fans. But I suspect it has to do with that darn rabies shot. Wee on US initiating air strikes against ISIL: Good. Take the IL out of ISIL and you just have IS. Then change it to past tense. Sayonara *uckers. Your outfit makes me long for Al Qaeda. And that is not a good thing. Wee on the spread of Ebola: It’s now made its way to Nigeria. I can only hope its heading in the direction of Boko Haram. I wonder when Mommy will start wearing a mask and gloves like Michael Jackson. If she starts calling me “Bubbles” I’m out of here. Wee on the end of cease-fire between Hamas and Israel: Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Wee gets it. It will never stop and the shampoo always gets in my eyes and makes me cry. So do John Denver songs. I’m out of solutions. Anyone? I sound like a broken record today. Let’s go to fun news instead. The above is just depressing bullshit. Wee on 3 Denver fair goers suing a vendor that allegedly gave them chocolate laced with THC. Hmm. So the treachery begins to try and de-legitimize the pro-pot movement…. I suspect sabotage in that batch of “hasheys”. (as I sprinkle some nip into Mommy’s bottle of Oregano). We can control and regulate the dispensing of THC, but we cannot yet quality control edibles. In other words, stick to the loose leaf for now kids in CO. Wee on OK teacher showing up drunk and pantless on the first day of school. I get it. It’s depressing when summer ends and the prospect of spending another year with snot-nosed punks that have no respect for you or anyone else makes you want to  live inside a bottle of  Fireball. Perhaps you should try another occupation. One that would preferable allow you to be both drunk and pantless. Say ….blogging (cats don’t wear pants btw so I cannot be accused... read more

« Previous Entries

top