News of the Wee: Tastes Like Chicken

This week sure flew by and next week is already the 4th of July!!! Make it slow down people. Soon it will be December and I will be in panic again that I got mommy absolutely nothing. Let’s see what the news oracle has to say this week, shall wee? Wee on SCOTUS unanimous decision on requiring a warrant to search people’s cell phones: Mommy rejoices that she will no longer be targeted by nosy people who are laughing at her “crazy cat lady” photos. Most of them are me purposefully not posing for her nonsense anyway. Why should I? So now she’s on to Little Man who has ants in his pants and will never sit still for a photo. Consequently she has a phone full of blurry shots of what looks like a cat, but usually is just the TV remote. Wee on Uruguayan soccer player Luis Sanchez’s biting antics: Listen, he bit an Italian and everyone knows that Italian is damn tasty. Imagine running around for 90 minutes next to a sweaty man that emanates Parmesan and marina sauce dripping from his pores. I’m surprised he didn’t just sit down and strap on a bib at that point. Although to make it authentic Uruguayan, there has to be a fried egg and some golf sauce. It has added a new element of mystery to the World Cup. Gross and yet somewhat tactical. Well played small country between Argentina and Brazil. I’d be fearful Colombians. You smell delicious too. Short takes and Shortcakes; Wee on Boehner suing Obama over misuse of his executive powers: Obama in turn is now threatening to sue Boehner for misuse of tanning products in the workplace. The Oompa Loompa’s are threatening action again for trademark infringement. Really, do we need to waste more tax dollars? Obama at 37 presidential executive orders is trailing his predecessors (GW by 4, Clinton by 8 and Reagan by 11). He’s simply trying to make up for lost time in the twilight of his presidency. Wee fun fact: Which President has issued the most Executive orders during his presidency? A). CarterB). TrumanC). EisenhowerD). Kennedy Ding Ding: It was Harry “you dropped a bomb on me” Truman! Wee on the US economic 2.9% shrinkage in the first quarter. Everyone knows that when you’re in cold water, there is shrinkage!! (Yes kitty watches Seinfeld in syndication). And this was the coldest winter on record. I’m going to go with climate... read more

News of the Wee: Comparing Alcoholism to Idiocy- PAW SMACK

Well I’m a bit late on last week’s recap, but the tardiness allows me to sneak in a few additional items that happened over the weekend. Little Man is keeping me busy with his shenanigans and since Mommy isn’t of the stay at home variety, I’m forced all day to watch this little exhausting devil. But I digress and will continue on with regurgitation of the news. Wee on Texas governor Rick Perry making a comparison of Alcoholism to Being Gay: There’s a 12 step program for bigots to ease their way out of the closet too. By your medical evaluation criteria, you can probably add bigotry to the list of “genes” much like alcoholism and homosexuality. You should then, by your own admission be able to control it. You can’t seem, however, to control your foot in mouth disease, so I can only conclude that you need reparative therapy for that defective gene. And this guy has presidential aspirations? PAW SMACK. Wee on the IRS losing emails concerning the investigation into whether or not certain politically affiliated groups (Tea Party ….kitty cough) were specifically targeted for audits: Umm, Mommy says she has never had the IRS lose any communication related to her paying exorbitant taxes year after year. It really speaks to the need to abolish the IRS and simplify the tax code. And apparently to simplify email servers. This just looks bad to me. I would’ve used the following; “a band of armed felines broke into headquarters allowing their roving gnome counterparts to hack into our systems and delete all traces of emails related to this investigation”. It would be much more believable. PAW SMACK. Wee on last nights World Cup match draw between Portugal and the US. Mommy says it was like watching a Cleveland team in the playoffs. Monumental disappointment at the end. She seemed unfazed and resumed laundry. Wee on just allowing ISIS or ISIL or ISSISSIPPI to establish their own illegitimate Islamic State in Northern Iraq: Why the big concern? Sure it will become a “safe haven” for every terrorist ideologue or activist in the world. Still not seeing the issue. Like a moth to a flame or bees to honey, you will know exactly where “they” are all hanging out and with one fell swoop of da bomb, you have detonated the roach motel. Doesn’t that sound like a much easier solution then trying to pick sides of a no-win sectarian war?... read more

News of the Wee: Goodbye Redskins and All Sensibilities

The US Patent and Trademark office this week cancelled the Washington Redskins Trademarked name citing disparagement to Native Americans. Most of whom probably never watch football. But it brings up a good point; at what juncture is the federal government’s hand in policing what they consider political correctness too much of an ass goose? I think all teams need to be shaking in their boots for the domino effect to follow. For example: The Washington Wizards – Gandolf is pissed and has indicated that the name is disparaging to the inhabitants of Middle Earth. The Cleveland Browns – Disparaging to the color brown and to Cleveland Brown of the Cleveland show. Even animated characters can be offended. The Dallas Cowboys – All other cowboys not from Dallas feel slighted that only in Dallas can one now be considered a Cowboy. The Dallas Mavericks – insults political self-appointed Mavericks like John McCain and Sarah Palin. The Cincinnati Reds – Offends Russians. Kansas City Chiefs – The Twix commercial got it right a few years back. Perhaps it should be the Chefs. Great googely moogely. St. Louis Cardinals/Toronto Blue Jays/Atlanta Falcons/Philly Eagles – Offensive to non party birds such as Robins, Woodpeckers and Mockingbirds. Sacramento Kings – Disparaging to all of the planets queens, princesses and jesters. Los Angeles Dodgers – Offensive to all Vietnam draft dodgers. Pittsburgh Pirates – Represents no one from Somalia. Insert all animals; Broncos, Bears, Lions, Tigers – where’s PETA when you need them. Portland Trailblazers – offends icons like Martin Luther King, Susan B. Anthony, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I could go on, but I think you see the point. Government intervention into established businesses on the basis that they feel their names are disparaging to someone sets a bad precedent for the rest of us. At some point, even city names may be deemed offensive (I’m talking to you Cleveland). And so we will sit and watch sporting games in total silence. By cheering on your favorite players, you could be inadvertently offending someone next to you. Go Reggie... read more

Hide Your Pool Rafts People, This Shit is Real

Barreling through June people and soon it will be Christmas again. Cats don’t live as long as humans, so I plead with you to make this weekend very very long. Help Wee live a longer life. News people, NOW! Wee on Ted Cruz renouncing his Canadian citizenship. I was rather hoping he would renounce his US Citizenship in favor of Cuba. Sorry to the folks who champion him. I think Ted Cruz is ultimately about Ted Cruz. My narcissist meter goes off every time I hear him speak. I would like a champion of the people, I just don’t think he will be it. Plus his dad is bat shit crazy and I don’t trust genetics. Wee on Eric Cantor’s surprising upset in his VA primary: I’m looking forward to more Dr. Seuss filibuster speeches between Brat and Cruz which sounds a bit like a law firm name from hell. Eric mailed it in, didn’t campaign and got caught with his pants down and ego exposed. Watching the Republican party eat their own has become a fascinating social phenomenon. Wee prays for a real third party someday. Wee on growing threat of an Islamic state in Iraq: What did we expect to happen back when we invaded Iraq a decade ago? Hussein was no different a dictator than in half of the other countries in the world. Iraq was also never a real threat to the US. Now we’ve left an unstable country ripe for terrorist control. At least a dictator kept a lid on this shit. This latest crisis with ISIS will force Iran and the US to become strange bedfellows as both have a vested interest in keeping the region from total thermal meltdown of chaos. Dear US,  please learn that intervention has long term effects and not just short term goals like money, power and ego. Short takes and Shortcakes Wee on death of the oldest living cat at age 24 Guinness get ready to call me in 24 years when I’m 27. I have a new goal now; immortality. Or at least a spin-off TV show called Vampire Cat Diaries. I’m expecting your call CW. Wee on man arrested for getting caught by police YET AGAIN for having public relations with a pool raft: Someone get this poor chap an inflatable woman stat and a padlock on the outside of his door so he can never go out in public. I think our domestic policy should... read more

Word Association: Medical Terms

Today mommy is testing my medical knowledge on diagnoses and diseases. I get most of my information off of big pharma’s commercials along with every side effect known to man. Really? The side effects really crack me up. Do you think I want to take a cholesterol pill if there’s a chance I could get any of the following; dizziness, nausea, yellowing of eyes, vomiting, diarrhea, memory loss, erectile dysfunction, headache, nosebleeds, anxiety, homicidal thoughts about other cats and explosive diarrhea outside the litter box? I don’t think so. I will go by the way of Chinese herbal medicine and needles (of which I just learned about today). Mommy: HerniaWee: Animal in the wild that eats antelope prior to being eaten by the lion.Mommy: Too much Animal Planet Wee, that’s a hyena. Mommy: AneurysmWee: The little girl hiding in the attic from the Nazi’s.Mommy: Honey, that was Anne Frank. Aneurysm is a medical blood clot that sometimes bursts.Wee: That’s gross. Mommy: AnginaWee: Mommy’s private partsMommy: At least you named something anatomical, but it actually means heart pain or palpitations.Wee: You have a heart in your hoo hoo?Mommy: Ugh Mommy: AcupunctureWee: When I stick needles in an Old Binks doll to make her feel pain.Mommy: Where on earth did you get a voodoo doll Wee? Acupuncture is Chinese medicine involving needles to take away pain. Mommy: DiabetesWee: The red runsMommy: Huh?Wee: If I eat too many beets, my poo becomes red and I get diabetes.Mommy: Facepalm Mommy: CirrhosisWee: When Mr. Roses became knighted by the Queen of England.Mommy: It has nothing to do with that Wee, its a liver disease!!!! Mommy: MigraineWee: That’s not your grain, that’s MY grain. Wee’s…You got it? Lay off my bread. Mommy: Wee, perhaps I give you a list and you look it up on Web MD to learn more first.Wee: Why? So when I symptom search, I can learn that I am dying of brain cancer for a simple headache? Nope. Mommy gave up today and decided to go play with the new kitten. She thinks she has a blank slate with that one, but doesn’t realize that we play on the internet while she’s at work. I will mentor him to become my minion of... read more