News of the Wee: What’s that on your Neck?

Wee has never been so excited to see a week come to an end. There was a lot of activity at the house of Wee that involved several instances of car travel (ugh) and a trip to the vet (double ugh). But at least at the doctor’s office, they fawn all over me like the Queen of Sheeba. I get more attention at the vet than a stripper mom at her teenage kid’s birthday party. News of the Wee starts now… Wee on Rancher Cliven Bundy’s meteoric crash from Tea Party celebrity to cable news scourge: The biggest problem with the Tea Party and/or anti-establishment causes is that there is always a quick rush to support someone who appears to be thumbing their nose at the government. In a rush to support, people fail to get the whole story and find out who they are actually championing. A racist imbecile by the name of Cliven Bundy took his brief turn at the podium of crazy. Brandishing verbal gems that black people were better off as slaves is not going to endear you to anyone other than other racist imbeciles. Plus you’ve been grazing off the government’s teat for 20 years while your fellow ranchers have had to pay their fees like good doobies. I kinda agree with loony tunes Harry Reid this week. You are a domestic terrorist. As well as a tax cheat, a moocher off of society and a despicable ignoramus. Memo to Tea Party; vet your loons before you take them public. Any remaining credibility is crumbling faster than a sub-floor full of termites. While your grass roots approach is a good idea in theory, your execution of same couldn’t kill a man on death row. Wee on Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda getting caught red-handed (or red necked) using pine tar: Memo to this idiot: if you’re going to cheat, don’t wear it like a boy scout badge for everyone to see. For any delusional Yankees’ fan that subconsciously thought it was a hickey or perhaps keloid scarring, you’ve got a really dumb cheater on your hands. With Derek Jeter retiring after this season, you can rename this dumb dumb, Derek Cheater. Shorttakes and shortcakes: Wee on man on stealing $18,000 worth of Axe Body Shower Gel from a delivery truck: Talk about a clean getaway Wee on man hospitalized after legless lizard crawls up into his penis: What do you expect to happen while you... read more

News of the Wee: Don’t Sever Your Junk Before You Jump

It’s Friday Friday, do a little dance day. Mommy’s home, Mommy’s home. Oh shit, Mommy’s home, hide the gnomes Mr. Bean. Lots of news to report on. Let’s get busy! Wee on South Korean Ferry capsize: Reports heard a loud boom indicating a collision with something in the channel. My bet is it’s either Malaysia Airlines 370 at the bottom fully intact or it hit Kim Dum Son’s giant ego. Really horrific story. Prayers to the families of victims and those yet to be recovered. Wee on Edward Snowden asking Putin whether or not Russia uses surveillance on their people: Putin says not unless they have court approval. Wee says yes that Russia spies on everyone including cats. Putin has secret database of Wee training her army of gnomes and of Mr. Bean parading around the house in one of his many gay hats. Ummm. Using Edward Snowden selling Russia’s lie about surveillance is about as useful as grandma selling birth control pills on TV. Laughable at best. Dangerous at worst. Wee on Northstar and Wu-Tang Clan member Andre Johnson severing his penis BEFORE jumping off a building in an apparent suicide attempt: Ummm. If you’re going to commit suicide, don’t cut off your penis to spite yourself. Now you will probably survive and your re-attached “buddy” is likely no longer going to feel like its a part of you. Maybe you did it for the art. Maybe you did it because of the bath salts. Regardless, just jump if you wanna die. Leave your “buddy” to his own demise. Wee on man named Edward Cocaine getting arrested for drug possession: Spit out my kibble. Just be glad your name wasn’t Edward Rape or Edward Murder.Dick. Wee on KFC unveiling an edible chicken corsage: WTF? Really? Now you can go to the prom and skip the shitty dinner part. Or save it for snack later after you’ve been lit up by the spiked punch bowl. Mommy seems to be intrigued by the Colonel’s new wrist snack and I fully expect to see his appearance some late night in the future. Wee on Chinese man named Bai Ting (not shitting you) arrested for biting police officer: Brother of famed Asiana Airlines pilot Sum Ting-Wong. Dude, please reference story on Edward Cocaine. Change name immediately. Wee is done for the... read more

News of the Wee: Flying Shoe Edition

Another week has passed me by and yet I still don’t have a Friskies’ deal? Really? Do I have to post nude pics or have a kitty sex tape to get famous these days. Let’s see what’s going on the world shall Weee? Wee on Hillary Clinton dodging a shoe: Ask W. The more popular and/or polarizing you become, the more likely you will have a detractor launch a shoe at your grill. It was probably Ted Nugent since the old guard Republican efforts to silence him with duct tape are apparently working. I hope it was a good designer shoe befitting a woman who needs her cankles covered. Ole Hill handled it like a pro. Wee on Tuesday’s epic blood moon: I see a bad moon rising. Really it’s me with my butt in mommy’s face. She hates it when I deface Creedence Clearwater with butt jokes. Seriously though, blood red full moon will spark werewolf revolution. If you suddenly feel itchy, look down your shirt. If you’re suddenly very hairy, join the party. Live music by the Silver Bullet Band after they eat Bob Seger. Dogs can bark at the moon. Should be f’ing cool though. Wee on Oscar Pistorius’ courtroom theatrics: Dude when you are acquitted, run, do not walk to the nearest telenovela production site. I haven’t seen this much dedication to acting since, well….since last night when I watched Meryl Streep in August Osage County. Really dude? More crying that an infant teething. More vomiting than a bulimic clearing out a pizza shop. Wee on updates in the search for Malaysia Air 370: And the Ping goes on…….would love it if Godzilla would just emerge already. I’m even getting tired of the Brits and Aussies calling debris….DEBre. I’m hoping that lord of the underworld is not down there playing the xylophone again. Find the damn plane already. I would like to hear about other news I can write about. Wee on Malaysian chicken beauty pageants: Wee shits you not. There is special love between Malaysian chicken breeders and their chickens. From runway shows going afowl to a video compilation entitled appropriately as “Cocks”, Wee could simply not make this shit up if I tried. Google and giggle my fans, Wee on best campaign ad for upcoming Toronto Mayoral election: With the reign of Rob Ford possibly coming to an end forcing us to look for other ridiculous politicians to mine comedy; I bring this... read more

Wee Doesn’t Know Her Movies

Word association was out this week. Instead mommy wanted to test my movie knowledge. I think Hollywood has some ideas here not yet mined. Mommy: Raiders of the Lost ArkWee: Football team in California look for Noah’s Ark after Russell Crowe crashed it into Iceland’s rocky terrain. Mommy: Romancing the StoneWee: Desperate man starts dating the stone that came out his kidney 12 hours earlier. What? Joaquin Phoenix can date Siri? What’s the issue? Mommy: Weird ScienceWee: Is that the Al Gore movie? Mommy: The Breakfast ClubWee: A bunch of drunk weirdos meet to discuss fantasy fiction after midnight every Friday at IHOP. Mommy: Full Metal JacketWee: A documentary about Michael Jackson’s red jacket. It had a drug addiction and likely smothered MJ in his sleep.Mommy: WTF Wee??? Mommy: The Postman Always Rings TwiceWee: Story of asshole postman who plays ding dong ditch with the neighborhood. Mommy: Saturday Night FeverWee: A bunch of Guineas get the flu and hallucinate they’re dancing at a disco club.Mommy: Kinda…. Mommy: Sense and SensibilityWee: Dumb and Dumber Mommy: Wee…watch more movies on NetflixWee: I could if you didn’t hog it up with The Vampire Diaries.Mommy: WEEEEEEE And I strolled out the room like a boss!!! (My new favorite... read more

News of the Wee: Short takes and Shortcakes

I will try to keep my verbal diarrhea (and apparently actual diarrhea due to food change) down to a minimum this week. Much to see and do. Wee Wee Wee…all the way home. Wee on 8.2 earthquake in Chile: Yawn….apparently NOT the big one they predicted. Tsunami wave moved search area for Malaysia 370 back to India and Pakistan. We have become desensitized to massive earthquakes. Will only be impressed now with a 10….and in LA….and during the Oscars. We would see who the real actors are from the posers. While we are on natural disasters….Wee on animals fleeing Yosemite in the wake of a possible massive earthquake/volcanic eruption: My brother and sister run away from me when they hear my intestines gurgling, so it makes perfect sense that it’s an animals’ instinct to run like hell before hell is unleashed upon them. Wee on two North Korean drones crashing into South Korea: Oops – better get new batteries for your remote control Kim Dum Son. And get some better military equipment. Odds on favorite for accidental Seoul bombing in 2014. Line is down to 5:1. Wee on Supreme Court striking down any limits on individual campaign donations: The Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth. Sadly, it’s the rich who have already taken over. Koch Brothers already funding 10 candidates who will repeal environmental legislation allowing more raping of air and water. Wee remains in the 99% forever. Wee Occupies No Street. Wee on ACA hitting its target sign up numbers: Hooray. More people than ever have joined the rank and file of bureaucracy and red tape of private insurers. Denials for everything. Including deaths. C’mon they never happened. The question will be who is actually going to pay their outrageous premiums…..vs. paying $100 penalty? Wee on Drunk Alaskan Priest found with Drugs and Guns: Hey no little boys. Chalk that up as a win! He must protect himself from the Palin Apocalypse. If Russia annexed Alaska, I’m not sure most people (outside of the oil industry) would care. And certainly Father Jesse James would be ready to fight! Wee on man found passed out behind the wheel with burrito in hand: Let me guess. Florida…Check….Let me guess….drunk….check…Let me guess….Taco Bell… Poor Taco Bell, first they announce the release of the breakfast waffle taco which is overshadowed by this idiot and then the idiot in Florida who was arrested for assaulting a relative with a Taco Bell... read more