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News of the Wee: Second Edition

It was a fairly slow week of news in the world. The Olympics ended (thank god, no more gratuitous shots of pompous Putin), fighting stopped in the Ukraine (for a few days until Russia invades) and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer rightly vetoed the worst bill to ever pass through legislation. So this week, I will focus on some of the more mundane or bizarre stories of the week: Wee on the World’s First Beekeeping Donkey: Still an Ass Wee on NASA finding 715 new planets: Oh please find me one where there are no idiots. Wee on Ted Nugent calling the President a “subhuman mongrel”: May he succumb one day soon to Cat Scratch Fever on his Wango Tango. Wee on the wave of Floridians that don’t understand the purpose of 911: In the same week, a woman calls 911 over uncooked waffles while another calls to solicit sex from a police officer. Perhaps its time for cell phone companies to auto install an alcohol breathalyzer app on all phones sold in Florida. If you are too drunk to call 911, its probably not an emergency. If you are legally drunk, the app will automatically dial and connect you to Pizza Hut’s closest store. Wee on Taco Bell’s new breakfast waffle taco: When diarrhea after 3am’s ingestion just wasn’t enough for you. Sell stock shares in any laxative companies. They won’t be needed anymore. Wee on same-sex marriage being legally recognized in Kentucky: Protestors don’t worry, that means soon your marriage to your brother/sister will also be recognized as legal. And that my friends, recaps the News of the Wee. I’ll be back after the Oscars with my usual snarky... read more

News of the Wee: The Rest of the Oscars

What the hell is an Oscar anyway? And how did it get to be the end all be all of existence for actors? They now have an “Oscars” for kitty movies. Grumpy Cat won the Golden Kitty this year. I like Grump, but if you’re going to compare Snowshoe Kitties, do you really want a one note frowning cat that does nothing else? I didn’t think so. I have looks, brains and catitude! Roll ball of tape……… I’ve decided to pick the remaining Oscar category winners based upon who has the coolest name (read most unpronounceable) Why? Because I have a date with a nap. Best Actor – Chiwetel Ejiofor. Insert evil laugh…Good luck to poor Jennifer Lawrence pronouncing that one. She will flub it in a way that only a charmer like her can do. People will forget he actually won the Oscar and she will give an acceptance speech instead. Best Actress- Bullocks. I just want last year’s best actor Daniel Day-Lewis to say it over and over again in his weird Lincoln accent. Seriously? I expected Lincoln to be much more butch. The prospect of a high- pitched Lincoln saying the English slang word for testicles over and over again has kitty biting tongue. Best Supporting Actor – Barkhad Abdi. Again, kitty snicker….Give the poor thing something gold that he can sell and live like a king in Somalia. Let us also revel in another Anne Hathaway Oscar calamity announcing this one. Best Supporting Actress – Lupita Nyong’o. Insert visual of kitty rolling at this point after a good batch of nip. Again the name should be announced by Christoph Waltz in his award winning evil Nazi voice. And finally………. Best Director – Just give it to Alfonso Cuaron. He made a movie in space for crap sake. How on earth do you film anything when it’s flying at you at mach speed. How do you keep your actors from gratuitously vomiting for hours upon end. It was filmed in space, right? Or was that Arizona? Wee confused. Nap….Wee….Out..... read more

Wee the Queen: Biography Part 2

When we last gathered, I had been transported to new living quarters, had my own room, met a black kitty and heard a demonic presence outside my room. I finally met that “noise” and she wasn’t having it. By it, I meant me. To her, I looked like a snack or perhaps a small rodent. I didn’t know what her beef was with me, but I can say, to this day we simply co-exist together. Mommy says keep your friends close and your enemies closer. My sister Binks, I am counting the days until you die, I mean until you allow me to become the Alpha Queen I was born to be. I have one brother, the black one. His name is Mr. Bean. He wants to be French and has a beret fetish. He’s also addicted to cat weed. Spends most of the day with slant eyes and open drooling mouth or he’s racing around the house for no apparent reason. I suspect he’s chasing the kitty equivalent of the dragon. But I like him. He’s chill and he lets me be WEE. Now this mommy character. Don’t tell anyone, but I am wrapped around her little finger. I cry she moves. I get food on demand, I get pets on demand but unfortunately, she is always following me like a 12 year old stalks Harry Styles. In the end, she’s not that bad. She’s totally supportive of my endeavors, but I’m afraid she looks at me like I’m her honey boo boo. I hear her saying stuff that only a crazed stage mom would say. She follows me around with her camera phone like I’m Beiber. I’m going to rebel and end up in a jail in Miami with fans petitioning my deportation. Overall, life is good. At some point, I will lift the veil on my daily exploits in my quest to take over the world. It can’t be that difficult in light of what’s going on now. So many countries with vulnerabilities that a calming kitten could easily rise up in a wave of populism. Until then, I’m going to go up my kitty tree and nap. This blogging shit tires me out. – Love,... read more

News of the Wee: Oscars Edition

It’s that time of the year. When everyone is reminded just how awful and boring the Oscars really are…..but much like the memory of last week’s migraine or hemorrhoidectomy, once again we get excited with the prospect of yet another Oscar’s ceremony. And one that can’t possibly be boring based on who is hosting this year. Give them hell Ellen and for god’s sake, keep me awake past 930p. I will now give my ratings and predictions for each nominee for Best Picture. Roll tape……. Gravity: Mommy came home and wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing the visuals were in this movie. 90 minutes of objects flying in your face in 3D that I can swat at? Yes please. 4 paws. American Hustle: Mommy came home and said the title of the movie is exactly what happened to her $8.00. Bad hair, bad movie. Bait and Switch. How is this best picture if mommy’s post movie depression involved eating a large pizza. 1 paw. Wolf of Wall Street: Mommy loves Scorsese. At least for the first 2 hours. After that her ADD kicks in. I don’t think she’s ever seen the end of Goodfellas or Casino, but has seen the first half of each about 20 times. If a wolf can make it on Wall Street, certainly a kitty can run a penny stock scam too. Please contact me. 3 paws. Her: I’ve heard mommy yell at Siri many times. I can’t imagine a movie where she is actually smart enough to have someone fall in love with her annoying condescending voice. She doesn’t comprehend simple questions or directions. A more realistic title would be Lost in Translation. But Spike Jones’ ex-wife already used that title. 2 and half paws. Twelve Years a Slave: I’m working on 3 here in this place. Every decade, someone remakes Roots to remind us of humanity’s propensity for atrocities. Big words for a kitty. 4 paws Captain Phillips: I’m more excited for the sequel regarding the conspiracy and death of two navy seals found on board with needles in their arms. Sadly Phillip Seymour Hoffman won’t be available for the film. Well done pirates, well done. 2 and a half paws for plucking pirates out of obscurity and into an Oscar nominated movie. Girl from Slumdog Millionaire still waiting for royalty checks, so elevation from poverty not certain. Philomena: A mother’s kittens are taken from her. She spends the rest of the movie... read more

News of the Wee: Inaugural Edition

With my bio unfinished, I begin my real purpose of blogging; getting out my feline observations and frustrations out in print. Mommy watches a lot of TV and most of what I learn and know comes from her muttering at the screen and around the house. Thus I present to you the News of Wee: Edition 1. Wee on the unrest in Ukraine: I don’t understand why they are protesting. Don’t they realize they are still and will forever be part of the Soviet Union? Putin’s pet. I have a better chance of being a Frisky’s spokesmodel than they have of becoming a European country. Wee on Michelle Bachman’s comment that the US is not ready for a woman President: A feline in heat howling in an alley for one straight year has a better chance of being elected President than Loony Tunes Bachman. Wee on Arizona’s passed legislation protecting religious freedoms aka Jim Crow: The Sequel: Arizona is quickly gaining ground on my home state of Florida for King of Cray Cray. My wish for bigoted restaurant owners in Arizona is a business filled daily with unwed lesbian mothers, drag queens and devout radical Muslim jihadists. I’m actually more concerned about reports of packs of angry chihuahuas roaming the streets of Phoenix. My feline friends take shelter immediately. Wee on Olympic athletes rescuing dogs in Sochi: What? Do I have a sign on my back saying I love Putin? Why no love for Russian kitties? Disgust and neglect has led to increase in requests for refuge with Chechen rebels in Dagestan. Wee on reports that Kim Khardashian has had new butt implants: That bitch is one can of fix a flat away from launching upwards and hovering over the Rose Bowl like the Snoopy II. Wee on Iran falling from the top spot of world’s most hated country: Congratulations North Korea on managing to lower the bar even further. Between human rights atrocities, family genocide, faxing threats of nuclear annihilation to your enemies and publicity with alcoholic washed up athletes, you have truly outdone yourself. Bravo! Kitty paw clap! Oh and congratulations to Arizona for finishing second……. And that my feline and human friends, is this week’s News of the Wee. Catch my entry next week where I will review the films nominated for Best Picture though the eyes and ears of an impressionable kitty. Until then, I bid you... read more

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