Tin Foil Tuesday: I’ll Take Potpourri for $200 Alex

  Since 2016 was the wackiest conspiracy year on record, it’s becoming harder and harder this year to find anything that is worthy of true comedy gold. Which is why this week, I will turn my attention instead to wacky conspiracy headlines, past and present, that made me chuckle so hard a hairball came flying out.    Queen Elizabeth’s Brexit Protest Hat Yup the old queen certainly raised eyebrows when she showed up for the opening of Parliament sporting a fabulous blue hat that somewhat resembles the European Union flag. Did the Queen just throw some shade at Brexit? I hope so because she would immediately rise to top 5 for me.    Stevie Wonder is not so blind? (GASP!) Yup – Good old Sean Combs aka “Puff Daddy” blabbered on in a Jimmy Kimmel interview earlier this month that Stevie can not only tell you what he is wearing and what color it is, he can maneuver around the room better than mommy’s Roomba. This is actually a rather old but ongoing conspiracy that maybe Stevie has been robbing us blind for years. But Puffy just reignited the fire.    Lady Gaga killed Lou Reed (GASP!) This nutty Mcnutterson came about after Reed’s untimely death in 2013. Prior to that, Gaga had hired Reed as a consultant for her album ArtPop as she was wanting to invoke the vibe of The Velvet Underground. But Reed apparently HATED it. Then he turned around and publicly praised Kanye West. That alone was probably enough to have Gaga summon the Illuminati to ensure Reed didn’t recover from his surgery. But I’m not gonna buy into this bad romance.    John Lennon was killed because he told the world the CIA invented LSD (Not shocked). The war on drugs has been going on for more than a half a century. Would it really surprise you that the CIA would want to take out a political activist and music icon after he told Playboy in a 1980 interview that we can thank the CIA and the Army for creating LSD.  Mind you, this interview took place a mere 3 months prior to his death.  So did the CIA retaliate by enacting super assassin Mark David Chapman to take out Lennon?  Listen, while I would be horrified if that were the case, let’s give the CIA some credit then because, without LSD, we would never have the masterpiece “Revolver”.  Or at least that’s my take –... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Was Marilyn Monroe Whacked By The CIA? (GASP!)

  This week’s trip ticket to Nutterville (population of 1; me) takes us to a newly released documentary titled “Unacknowledged” that makes the outrageous claim that the CIA may have offed Marilyn Monroe. Was it because of her affairs with the Kennedy brothers? Ummmm, sort of?  The documentary makes the case that during one of Monroe’s “pillow talk” sessions with Jack, she became privy to information that she shouldn’t have had. Like that JFK had seen debris from an ET vehicle at a “secret airbase” (Roswell, cough).  The film follows Dr. Steven Greer, a leading UFO nutter who connects the dots between Monroe’s death and an alleged top secret CIA memo that was issued two days prior to her untimely death ruled as an “overdose”. Like an overdose of truth maybe? The theory that the CIA may have had a hand in her death has some plausibility given what we know today about the rampant government intrusion into our private lives. The documentary goes on to “theorize” that Monroe felt spurned by Jack and was threatening to hold a press conference to talk about the alien cover-up. The CIA listening in on this conversation(like a bunch of old dirty perves expecting a different exchange) were worried about this development and simply decided………………………     Completely pawsauble, right? But this is just one part of the movie. It’s actually a documentary on the “Disclosure Project” that focuses on why the government ruthlessly enforces the spread or dissemination of any information showing that aliens exist and the depths they will go to make sure no person (or cat) finds out the truth. Yeah, I’m gonna have to run out and watch this documentary, like now. And I’m going to probably have to stop talking and writing about the Disclosure Project because I could become the first cat to die of an “overdose”. Watch at your own peril.  – Cheers – Little... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Space Conspiracies That Are Out Of This World

  By now you should know that my favorite topics are space and aliens. I could talk about this until white coats come and cart me off to the nutter’s ward. And by nutter’s ward, I mean spaceship where they will most certainly inspect my anus for answers to the mysterious earthling felines. Space continues to fuel some of the best conspiracies that just don’t die. For example, we’ve covered Planet X (Nibiru) that was supposed to kill us several times now (yawn), the Apollo moon mission was fake (Russia conspiracy!), people are already living on Mars, space dandruff, and a myriad of asteroid doomsday predictions that came and went like my biological dad (#felinedaddyissues). But just like space, there are infinite conspiracies that I continue to find on a daily basis which piques my astronaut fantasies. Here are some novel ones:     Saturn’s Moon Iapetus is really an alien Death Star.    I mean look at it? It’s an exact replica. Does this mean that Darth Vader really is circling the galaxy looking to spread evil while killing off feline Jedis? Or is it really just Dark Helmet coming towards Earth to suck out the oxygen with a giant Dyson vacuum? Meh, it’s just a moon and it hasn’t moved any closer to us, so the Death Star is most certainly stuck in the orbital mud and not a threat to our existence on earth. YAY!   The Hexagon Around Saturn Is Really Alien Technology?  Um, this looks like bone marrow. Or a giant Rolo. Or Van Gogh was high again. And there is a giant hurricane in the middle. Or possibly a portal to another gateway (hell). I doubt if it’s alien technology. They’re way too advanced for this hot mess.    Will the moon turn Green?  Sweet Jeebus. In April of 2016, nutters predicted the moon would turn green because of a rare interplanetary alignment that had not occurred since 1594. Well, that never happened. But perhaps it could happen under the following scenarios; St. Patrick’s Day when you’ve put too much whiskey in your McDonald’s Shamrock Shake, obviously when it’s 4/20,  or when you are colorblind and can only see green and white. Seriously, don’t you think Galileo would have told us of this green moon nonsense since he was alive at the time of the last interplanetary alignment? And he certainly would have told us if the moon was made out of swiss cheese too.    A... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: The Return of Nessie (Gasp!)

  Guess who is back in the news? Yes, that’s right, good ole’ Nessie the Lochness Monster. Not since 1934’s famed photo that captivated gullible humans for over 40 years have the people of Scotland been whipped up into such a haggis frenzy. In the past year alone, there have been a record EIGHT sightings that have my eyebrows raised and my kilt dusted off for a good old Highland Fling. Let’s take a look at the new “evidence”, shall we?  Exhibit 1#:  Either it’s Nessie, the son/grandson of Nessie, a levitating penguin or a Russian Submarine.  Either way, it moved around in front of the boat before disappearing again. Why have they not sent an expedition into the loch to find this thing?     Exhibit #2:  Umm. What the hell is that?  Exhibit #3 This little girl claims she spotted Nessie on May Day last week. I’m not sure if this is conclusive. But she has the same story as the others; it prairie dogged and then disappeared under the water.  Exhibit #4:  Yeah, that’s stock footage of a fake dinosaur. Totally not Nessie. Sorry I got carried away.  My take? There are just too many sightings and too many photos for this not to be an 80 year-old prehistoric creature. I have my Ouija board out and am summoning Jacques Cousteau to immediately come back and investigate this before I buy a scuba suit and a tank. Oh, and cats can’t swim. Cousteau Stat……Little Man    ... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: Bill and Ted Were Probably Real Time Travelers (EXCELLENT!)

  I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands this past week thanks to an illness of unknown origin which made me feverish and hallucinating that aliens were in the living room eating mommy’s Cheetos. I’m on the up and up, but I am still convinced the aliens were real. And the Cheetos have technically been missing since 4/20, so apparently the aliens were here for a “pre-Earth Day” party 2 days early. Makes perfect sense. But thanks to everyone that sent me well wishes. I’m still here. Yay! In a follow-up to our recent post on the time traveler spotted in 1995 at a Mike Tyson fight sporting a not yet developed cell phone camera, I scoured the internet and found many more photos that give credence to the theory that we are actually probably living in the past. See the following exhibits:  1). Alright, Alright, Alright…… Does this guy on the left look dazed and confused to you? Umm, yeah. It’s because he was visited by his former nekkid bongo playin’ now turned serious actor doppelganger from the future. I suspect the old Matthew gave inspiration to new Matthew on how to pull off the many shitty mustache styles that have been sported in his movie roles.  2). Hipsters invade the past to stop Anheuser-Busch from making lousy beer following Prohibition.   So maybe he is a Marvel Avenger that is going to stop the Great Depression, Hitler AND watered down beer. Yay Captain Hipster. Whatever his reason, this is just creepy.  3. Steam Punk is alive and well in the early 1900’s.  Did the Sex Pistols have a time traveler that went to the industrial revolution for inspiration? Like the old CBGB wasn’t dirty enough, he had to travel to when there was actual dirt everywhere. Sporting a mohawk in an early 1900’s photo really is punk.  4. Gold Rush Dude Nothing sticks out like a sore thumb like a surfer dude meeting up with his new 1850’s friends to pan for gold. Like no way dude, I can go back in time, get me some gold, come back, and never work again? Surf’s up…. 5.  Can you be a little more discreet? Jeeesh!!!! Nothing says “time-traveler” like a fun-loving girl from the 50’s clearly lacking self-awareness transported back to the Great Depression where train-riding hobos were as common as a cold. Sorry sweetie, that’s just being entitled and obnoxious. See #2 – Hipster……you should hook up.  So if... read more

Tin Foil Tuesday: April (The Giraffe) Fools Day!

  If you’re one of the millions of people too scared to turn on the news and/or generally bored as hell and tuning into a live cam of April the giraffe about to give birth, then I’m here to tell you the joke may be on all of us. Twitter and Reddit have gone bonkers the past few weeks with tales of conspiracies surrounding this spectacle. And after a mid-February due date, guess what? The giraffe is still “pregnant”…..or maybe the giraffe was never pregnant at all (Gasp!). So the first conspiracy; the Giraffe is NOT pregnant. HA HA! April Fools. You mean my statement? Or that the giraffe really isn’t pregnant. Let’s see, the gestation period for a giraffe is between 13 and 15 months. 13 months was mid-February (allegedly), so technically she has until the middle of April to pop that little one out. Just in time for tax day and a future write-off.  Why would April fake a pregnancy? Was it publicity for the Animal Adventure Park? Was she trying to trap her “baby daddy” Oliver into not leaving her for that floozy May? I’ll give this until April 15th, then I will be starting my own live cam where you can see what happens first; paint drying or my chubby butt getting up to eat kibble again. Spoiler alert, it’s the latter, so it should probably be how many times I get up to eat more kibble before the first coat of paint dries. Somebody call Guinness stat…. The next conspiracy that people are arguing about is that giraffes lay eggs and although April was once pregnant, she laid a golden egg and it’s elsewhere waiting to be hatched like a baby bird or a velociraptor. I actually had to google that to make sure that wasn’t true and it isn’t. But if she did lay an egg and it gave rise to a velociraptor, I’m blaming that old Santa-looking man at Jurassic Park because unleashing a dinosaur on New York would be worse than Kim Dum Son threatening to launch a nuke in North Korea.  Finally, some say she’s pregnant with some other animal’s baby. She stepped out on Oliver and had a boozy night with a hot Elephant named Babar, thereby extending her gestation period to almost 24 months. Thus we will all be captivated by watching a giraffe’s butt for the next 9 months. Long enough time to have your own kid... read more

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